The snow, which I had seen with the children that day, continued to fall for four and a half months. When the clouds finally spread apart, winter was about to end. At the start of the fifteenth month.((Reminder, this world has 16 months in a year)) This year will also be over in two months.
… The story about the Sill children, who were looking after me, looking at snowflakes and seeing Rashiok, soon reached the people in the neighbouring tents. Children talk, and well, I don’t recall telling them to keep quiet about it, so of course everyone would find out.
But I think I should have told them to keep quiet about it, since the children have been sticking tightly around me lately.
“The Sill Tribe kids aren’t being fair! We want to play with Eliza-sama too!”
“Eliza-sama will stay in our tent! That makes it fair!”
“It’s not fair that you’re the only ones who get to play with the draconisha!”
“You say that, but you’ve never tried to talk to her before!”
“Whyy do you never tell us? You’re hogging Eliza-sama all to yourselves! Shouldn’t we take turns!?”
“I won’t call it hogging since there’s a group of us. Don’t you even know that~? And Eliza-sama isn’t a toy! So, don’t say that we should play with her in turns!”
There was a boy and girl who were holding me from the front and the back. One of them was from the Sill Tribe and the other was a farmer’s child, and they were arguing with each other. It was a children’s quarrel.
To be arguing since the morning when the snow stopped falling, children are really lively beings. Or perhaps, they were just trying to vent their anger since they didn’t get to play outside much, because of the snowfall.
Judging from what they were saying to each other, it seemed that I was overly favouring the children in the tent that I was staying in. I’ve done something bad. I’ve already reflected, so won’t you two let go of me? I felt like I was going to say something I wasn’t supposed to say, as dozens of children squashed me from both sides. I-it hurts.
“Then, Eliza-sama can come to our tent starting from today!”
“Don’t be an idiot, Rekha! The chiefs are the people who decide where Eliza-sama stays.”
The boy, who ended his sentences in a particular way, clung to me from behind with his arms around my stomach. Apparently, his name is Rakha. I don’t interact with any of the children in the other tents, so I didn’t know who is who.
The girl who was hugging me by my neck is one who usually takes good care of me, Thiele. The two of them were yelping away at each other, but they seemed reasonably close, so they probably weren’t on bad terms. So, why were they getting fired up because of me?
Should I tell them to stop getting me involved in this? … I thought of the stupidest thing to escape reality, and I got goosebumps from my disgusting thoughts and regretted it right after.
At the same time, I felt a cold sensation come from my head. My head hurt and I started to get a headache. M-my neck and stomach really hurts.
Ah, am I going to die here? I’m not sure if I’m going to die from being hanged at the neck by one or two girls who are older than me, or if I’m going to be crushed to death, or if I’m going to die of suffocation…
“Hey, that’s enough you guys. I’m talking to both of you, Radka and Thiele! Eliza-sama is turning blue.”
The boy, who broke through the wall of children to mediate in the midst of all this, seemed like salvation from heaven or even a hero. He pulled away the two arms that were constricting me and skilfully tapped both the boy and girl in the head at the same time.
He was almost the same height as Thiele and his azure silver hair swayed in the wind. ――― Oh, I remember seeing this hair colour before.
“… Aslan?”
When I whispered the name, I remembered from our little exchange the other day, the boy turned his head to me at once. His face was certainly familiar, and his innocent face looked surprised and flabbergasted.
“You remembered… my name?”
“Of course. More importantly, you save me, thanks. It was a bit painful.”
“It wasn’t just a little, now was it? You were turning blue.”
I shrugged as he gave me an astonished look. It was certainly painful enough that I was ready to die.
I smiled twitchingly while looking off into the distance, then felt a timid tug at my sleeve. When I looked over, I saw Thiele. She looked apologetic as if she had just cooled down a bit, after being pissed off at Aslan. Then, the boy, who was shorter than her, looked up at me.
This boy is probably the child named Rekha. He apologised with his teary, innocent eyes and said he was sorry.
“I’m really sorry, Eliza-sama…”
“I definitely won’t do it again, Eliza-samaa…”
When Thiele and Rekha apologised, the surrounding children also seemed to have come to their senses and looked as if they were being punished.
Those moist eyes, ugh, I was tormented by guilt. This was all because I didn’t think it over enough.
“I-it’s fine… I’m the one who should apologise, I’m sorry. I knew that I had brought something unusual with me, but it was unfair of me not to invite the children in the other tents as well.”
I thought that the Rekha boy had made a fair point and bowed my head in reflection. If a newcomer with a lot of interesting toys only gets along with a certain group of people, then well, of course it wouldn’t be fun for everyone.
Rekha, Thiele and Aslan all looked at each other as if my apology was baffling, since I had been the person who was turning helplessly blue while they were fighting. When they looked at me again, Thiele had her tongue stuck out in an awkward manner, Aslan smiled wryly and Rekha laughed joyfully.
“I’ll call you guys too when I think of something to play with next time. I’ll talk to Theo and ask him if I can go to the other tents as well. Can you forgive me?”
Rekha was still beaming as he looked back at the children, who stayed in the same tent as him ――― the ones who were complaining about unfairness ―――, then nodded and replied, “Sure!” Perhaps Rekha was the leader of the children staying in the farmer tent, even though he was small.
“I didn’t expect you to apologise, Eliza-sama, but if you say you want to play, then that’s totally fine. We’re going to make up with the Sill Tribe children.”
The smiling Rekha and Thiele seemed to represent their groups. They said sorry to each other and lightly hugged. So, this is how you make up?
They also bowed their heads at Aslan, who acted as a mediator. The other day, he was fired up and emotional because of the relationship between the lowlifes and Sill Tribe in the Artolas period, but he seemed to be quite a rational child. Perhaps, that was why his grown-up features, with a wry smile on them, made him seem a little older than the other children. He looked to be a year or two older than Thiele and me.
Then, he turned around, gave Rekha a complicated look and spoke.
“… Rekha. Won’t you stop using the word ‘Sill Tribe’? We’re not the Sill Tribe or lowlifes anymore. We’re all Arxians, we’re all citizens of Kaldia now.”
His expression was exactly the same one he had on his face the other day. Did he understand what I told him, or is he going with what I said even though he didn’t understand it?
“… Yeah. Okay, I won’t say that anymore.”
Rekha must have heard our conversation the other day because he glanced at me and nodded happily.
At the end of winter when I had become completely accustomed to living back and forth between the newcomer’s tents and the Golden Hill Mansion, I began to think about hastening the construction of the feudal lord’s mansion, at the centre of Kaldia.
“Eda… Elu… Ele…”
Just as I had finished working and was leaving the mansion to go back to the newcomer’s tents, a mumble came from above me.
What is it?
I looked up at the window above my head suspiciously, and I saw a flicker of bright golden honey hair under the cloudy sky.
“Eli… Eliza-dono!”
“… Yes, what is it?”
I swallowed my impulsive sigh and replied. It has been a long time since I’ve had this exhausting feeling.
Of course, the owner of the voice was Claudia. Was that strange mumble an effort not to get my name wrong?
“I haven’t seen your face in a long time! It’s been over two months.”
A slightly excited Claudia leaned out of the window, as far as she could, and smiled at me .
“That’s dangerous, Claudia...”
The voice that was about to say ‘Claudia-dono’ cut off in the middle of the sentence, because the moment I had warned Claudia that she was going to fall off, the person herself tipped herself forward on the window frame.
Naturally, Claudia would fall from the second floor window. I gulped. My heart felt as if it had stopped.
“Huh? Did you say something?”
――― Claudia landed flexibly on the ground like a cat, then turned towards me, carefreely.
I couldn’t close my open mouth. What is with this person? Seriously. I want her to quickly go back to being in an otome game or being in a shonen manga.
Having said that, I would really be troubled if she were to disappear.
The scene was so shocking that it sent a shiver from my legs into my brain. I’m not sure if I’m angry or dumbfounded, but I let my fury out in an angry voice, even though I knew it was improper of me to do so.
“What are you thinking?! Jumping down from the second floor!”
“Woah!?”
Claudia had unusually good ears and was startled by my sudden outburst, so she covered her ears. Her sky-blue eyes widened as she started at me, but I ignored her gaze and continued in a strong tone.
“Please refrain from acting too eccentric. I thought my heart was about to stop.”
“Eliza-dono….”
Claudia called my name while still looking flabbergasted. Then, she seemed happy about something since she smiled dazzlingly. Ah, it really looks like a child’s smile when I see it like this. She looks too innocent.
“Alright, I promise I won’t do it anymore. I didn’t think it would worry you so much.”
“What?”
Worry me, you say?
Unexpected words came out of her mouth and this time I looked like a complete idiot.
“You were worried about me getting hurt, weren’t you?”
I felt like all my energy was taken away by the smiling Claudia. I replied, “Drop it,” while looking down, but Claudia didn’t seem like she was going to hold back.
“Hmm, so… what did you want from me…?”
I had acted a bit carelessly. Claudia tapped her fist against her palm while saying, “Ah.” That my pace attitude, seriously… It’s been a while since I’ve been this exhausted. I felt like I was wrestling with a curtain.
“I have something to ask you, Eliza-dono.”
I had no idea what she wanted since she hadn’t stated it. My face twitched, but Claudia didn’t care and grabbed my wrist.
What the fuck is going on?
“Now, let’s go.”
Where to?
――― I purposely ignored the two red eyes that were staring down at us from the upstairs window.
I haven’t become a direct ‘child’ yet, so I can’t quarrel with him.
Claudia had dragged me to Elize’s room where she was recuperating, just as I had thought when I heard the word ‘ask you’.
“Oh, Eliza-sama!”
“It’s been a while, Elize-sama. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come see you in a long time.”
I bowed deeply at Elize, who smiled happily. I felt really guilty about avoiding this place for so long, even though I had a little more time since winter began. Radka had reported that her seizures have been getting worse, but I didn’t go to visit her and continued to go to the newcomer’s tents.
“No, it’s fine, since you’re busy with your job as the feudal lord. Didn’t you send Elize-sama here in exchange for not being able to visit? That was very thoughtful of you.”
Ugh… Her considerate words stung my chest and I groaned in my mind. I deserved this.
Apparently, Radka hadn’t left Elize’s side. I wondered how he spent his days, even though I decided to leave him alone for a while.
“… Well, that’s good then. I heard you’ve been having a few seizures lately, but how did you feel afterwards?”
Elize quietly turned away from me and looked somewhat lonely. I could tell that she was anxious from a glance, and that made my heart hurt.
“I… still can’t go out yet. But that’s okay. It wasn’t as bad as when I first came to this fief.”
“Elize-dono…”
She was acting tough. I suddenly wondered if it was better for her to play with the newly arrived children. Even if she can’t run around like them, wouldn’t she feel better just by talking to them every day?
… Maybe I should consider inviting some of them over. I need to discuss this with Earl Thelesia and Maya, but it is my duty to improve her health, as long as it’s about her recuperation.
Elize happily started talking about her days with Maya and Radka, leaving me to start listing candidates in my mind. This was probably the only thing she could talk about, so I felt like my idea was worth considering.
“If sending Elize here has made your life a little more enjoyable, then that’s good.”
“Yes. I’m ――― having a lot of fun. Thank you very much.”
Elize’s bashful smile was so innocent that it touched my heart.
――― I am…
I don’t see her much, but it was unsightly of me to find peace when talking to her and hated myself since she was so innocent. I felt absolutely at ease with her because I was convinced that she was too sickly to leave her room, and thus, had no way of betraying me.
I struggled to swallow down my self-loathing for that despicable thought. I told myself that what I needed now was self-affirmation, not self-loathing.
“My Lord, you want to invite your playmates to the mansion to be playmates? … Honestly, I’m confused. What do you mean?”
Wrinkling his eyebrow, Theomer put his knotted rope on the floor. He looked as if he didn’t understand me at all.
I said a few words to Earl Thelesia about allowing the children to come play with Elize, and he told me it was fine, so I went to talk to Theomer next.
“It is certainly confusing, but simply put, I just want someone to play with a girl I’m taking care of in my home.”
“Can’t you do that, My Lord? Isn’t she there to be your playmate?”
Theomer was absolutely correct. You could even say that my priorities are backwards. But…
“I can’t visit her often. Besides, she doesn’t get many chances to interact with others since she can’t walk outside.”
It was hard to visit her for a while as well, considering that I might run into Radka, who I had allowed to move around freely in the mansion.
The decisive break-up of my relationship with Radka still pierced my heart like thorns. Every time I saw Radka, it gouged the softest part of my heart.
About Kamil, about the citizens, about the unnamed tombstone, and about myself… It’s hard to put it into words, but in the end, Radka is like a crystallisation of trauma for me. He looks like me. His life had been threatened by my father, he suffered persecution from his peers and his relationship with his mother who had turned insane. I don’t know what to think but those thoughts had slowly crept into the space where Kamil had disappeared from. Each of those thoughts were directly connected to the feelings of guilt and disgust that I had piling up inside of me like sediment.
I haven’t forgotten that he threw the stone at me.
“… Frankly, I don’t have a close aide right now.”
My thoughts got too far off track due to my emotions. I thought about how to adjust the conversation and decided to talk about the plans Earl Thelesia had proposed for this.
“What are you on about all of a sudden?”
Theomer tilted his head. His expression was saying that he couldn’t keep up with the conversation at all.
“I don’t have any candidates for the job because there aren’t any talented people around. Earl Thelesia is quite isolated for a noble, so I have little connections.”
The one and only Kamil had been trained for that position, but… he was gone.
Claudia is too useless to have by my side for anything other than a guard, and Lady Marechan is too old.
“… Oh, so that’s what you mean. So, you want them to enter the mansion as a playmate, and then have that person become a possible candidate.”
Theomer took the liberty of guessing what I was saying and came to an understanding on his own. I was extremely grateful that he understood things quickly.
“That might be the case in the long run. The original proposer of this plan is Earl Thelesia after all.”
Wanting someone to talk to Elize and wanting a candidate as my close aids are two different things, and it wasn’t a means to an end.
Well, it should seem promising.
They were being treated exceptionally well as an immediate asset right now, but objectively speaking, the position of the newcomers was still relatively weak compared to the fief citizens. The citizens aren’t directly involved with the management of the fief, so they strongly viewed the newcomers as strangers.
However, that would change a lot if the feudal lord’s close aid is a newcomer. No matter what kind of sentiments the citizens may have, the influence that the feudal lord has in their fief is boundless.
“… I can’t agree to this without talking to the other chiefs as well. Just a warning. I can only give you permission to take them to the mansion, but it’s up to them to decide whether they actually want to go or not.”
“I don’t mind.”
If the person hates it, then even the feudal lord’s command won’t get them to act. At any rate, they would be accompanying a guest of honour. Adults might not like it since they’ll be working, but I’m inviting a child, so I would prefer it if it was someone who would enjoy talking to Elize.
And I’m not suggesting that they should live in the mansion. I’m going to send them to the settlement with the other newcomers after winter, and after that, it’s alright for them to come to the mansion in summer when I’m usually away from the fief.
Being a candidate for my close aid isn’t something I can talk about right now, nor is it a sure thing.
“So, who do you have in mind?”
“Thiele.”
“That was quick.”
“She took care of me a lot at the tent… I’m really grateful for her concern. She’s attentive and good at explaining things, I’m sure she’ll make the perfect companion for a lady.”
She has been very patient with me even though I suddenly interrupted their lives. She has helped me so much. When I thought about the things she had done for me, my chest started to warm and, at the same time, I felt embarrassed.
“Alright. I’ll talk to the other chiefs tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
After our conversation was done, Theomer quickly went back to making the rope. I was confused as to how to use the little time I had left until dinner since I didn’t have anything more to do today. However, I decided to watch Theomer skilfully knot the hemp rope.
Ropes were something that the citizens also made, but I’ve never seen anyone make them before. I was genuinely curious.
Theomer looked at the rope in silence for a few minutes, then eventually turned around and looked at me.
“… What are you looking at?”
“You making a rope.”
“Ah… Shall I show you how to make it?”
He even told me that it was hard to work since he could feel eyes on him. Just ignore me.
“I’ll learn for future reference.”
Theomer gave me a somewhat warm look as I nodded and moved next to him. What the fuck is that look for?
It was already the beginning of spring as the snow began to stop falling and the sun began to shine through the thick clouds. The bright yellow pheasant’s eye peeked out from the thin layer of snow, and the wind from Amon Nohl softened, causing the rivers in the fief to rise and flood the unfinished Sera River downstream.
“But we’ll be able to stay there next winter, right? I’m certain of it.”
“It’s hard to move around in winter. I’m sure the adults will finish the bank by then.”
“I hope we get to live in a proper village soon.”
The flat Kaldia fief could be seen for quite a distance from the top of the slightly elevated Golden Hill.
I watched as the three childhood friends, Aslan, Thiele and Rekha, squint while staring to the east. I had invited them to visit Elize’s room once every few days. While listening to two of them converse, I interrupted them while thinking I might have said too much.
“… There will be a lot of artisans coming from the rest of the kingdom to make furniture and things. This will allow the adults to get on with other work.”
“Oh, I know that! Eliza-sama hired them, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah…”
Rekha turned around and flashed me a smile. I nodded vaguely in embarrassment, but Rekha and Thiele both grabbed onto my arms and bounced happily.
“I can’t wait. I wonder if your castle will be done soon too.”
Rekha usually talked in a calm manner and ended his sentences in a sluggish way, but he spoke clearly and quickly, probably because he was excited. Thiele, who was also dragged in, always looked after me and had an older sister disposition, so she went along with him.
“I think that would still take some time. Even though it’s a small castle, it will take approximately five years.”
I knew that I would be hampering his joy, but I gave him the schedule just in case. This was because we are working on the village first, so the longer the village work is delayed, the longer the castle construction period will be.
Rekha sulked. He pouted his lips and knitted his eyebrows together.
“Eeh~, then I don’t mind if the bank isn’t built after all. I don’t want to spend a winter without Eliza-sama. Say, Eliza-sama, you have to make sure that we come here next winter too.”
“Hey, Rekha. Don’t annoy Eliza-sama with your selfishness.”
“And even if we move to the settlement next year, Eliza-sama might not come?”
“Hmm.”
Rekha huffed and fell silent after being rebuked by Thiele and Aslan. I smiled wryly, and reached my hand out to his head, then tapped his head lightly after hesitating for a bit.
“I’ll come see you as much as I can until the castle is built.”
“Really?! Promise!”
Children really are simple, and their emotions change all over the place. Rekha cheered up and burst out into laughter. Then he raced towards the horse he had left and nimbly jumped on.
“I’m going home first to make lunch!”
After saying that, Rekha went down the hill in a flash before anyone had the chance to reply. The three of us who were left, Thiele, Aslan and I, all looked at each other and smiled wryly.
Claudia sat rudely at the writing desk while swinging her legs. The spring sunshine shone through the window behind her, and the backlighting made it impossible to see her expression.
I counted the minutes of silence as I slump down on the couch that was placed in front of her.
Claudia said she had something to talk to me about. She had only called out to me this time and hadn’t jumped out of the second-floor window, so she did much better this time. But Claudia had her mouth turned at the corners as she remained silent for a long time. Is she wondering what she should say, or can she not put what she wants to say into words? Unusually, she frowned and looked conflicted.
A short while had passed since midday, and the ball inside of the water clock clinked and clicked to announce that.
Claudia raised her face in surprise. She looked troubled as she turned her gaze towards me, then finally, she hesitantly spoke.
“Eliza-dono… Huh? Elena-dono? No, no, Eliza-dono, Eliza-dono. Hmm… I would like to ask you something.”
… I applauded myself for not looking down from exhaustion. Just as I was preparing myself for a serious conversation, since she made me wait so long, she had said that.
Come to think of it, Claudia has finally started to remember my name correctly lately. Ah, I’m mentally exhausted and slightly dizzy…
I held back my sigh and replied to her.
“Yes, what is it?”
“Ah… Well… I hope you don’t get offended by what I say…”
It was unusual for Claudia to be unclear.
“It’s about what happened a while ago, but you executed the bandits that crossed the border at the beginning of winter, right? Why did you do that yourself?”
The girl in front of me tilted her head in confusion and her golden honey hair swished around.
I see, so it’s about that. My emotions didn’t go up and down, it just went straight down. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if she had asked immediately after the incident. Claudia seemed to have easily guessed how I was feeling because of her sixth sense.
“I did it for many reasons. So, I can’t say why I did it in a few words, ――― but if I had to say it then, it’s because I wanted to kill him.”
“What about the other person? You left him in the dungeon to freeze to death…”
“About him, well. It’s because I thought it would be troublesome to kill him. I thought I’d just let him rot away without anyone knowing.”
Claudia nodded silently. She didn’t pressure me, remonstrate me, or agree with me, she only understood why I did what I had done.
Seeing that, a question swirled in my mind.
Why can’t it be Claudia?
This is another thing that I’ve learnt now; I’m very selfish. I wanted to be treated as an adult because of my previous life’s memories and did my best to appear like an adult despite looking for an adult to rely on as a child.
And yet, like with Lady Hortensio, it terrified me when someone treated me like a child, and spoiled me, since it felt like I would melt into a mess.
That’s why ――― I liked Kamil. He was important to me. The memory of Kamil, who treated me as a child, but saw me as a human, as a friend and as a feudal lord, still pierced at my heart.
Is it a sin for me to think of him like that, since I couldn’t trust him, pushed him away, then sent him to his death?
Claudia, depending on how I think about it, met the requirements. She’s as innocent as the children of the Sill Tribe, and she welcomes me as I am.
But why can’t I think of her on the same level as Kamil? The difference between how I viewed them was very strange to me.
“Alright. I’m sorry to have taken up your time. I should have asked you earlier.”
Claudia smiled cheerfully as if her puzzled expression from before had been an illusion. Then she left the room unpretentiously.
Then, somehow, the answer to the question I had came to my mind.
I’m sure it’s because I haven’t been able to give a proper title to my relationship with her. Boss and subordinate, master and pupil, guard and principal, maid and master… someone of the same sex who is 12 years older than me. There is a huge gap lying between her and me in areas other than emotions, and I haven’t been able to measure the distance between us well.
With Kamil, it’s easier to say that we were friends now. Yes, it seemed like a no-brainer.
Surely, he and I were similar and different in just the right ways.
And I’m sure Radka is too close to me. So close that I couldn’t measure the distance between us.
I was a little relieved that I was able to honestly admit these things, which meant that my half-hearted measure of running away from home had been useful.