… There was a slight scent of flowers and the boy opened his eyelids. His body shivered from the cold and clear morning air, and he breathed deeply.
His body reacted to the feeling of the blankets, but he still wasn’t used to it. He felt nostalgic as he smelled the unique smell of the crude straw bed while turning to face up to get up. The bed that he had been given was hard and uncomfortable to sleep on, as it was just fur cloth spread on top of a wooden plank. Thanks to that, he was good at waking up, but that was the only good thing about it.
The small room was cramped and solid, and the snores of the other boys in the room resounded clearly. Fed up with the annoyance, he pushed open the wooden board that covered the window next to him and the dim light shone in.
It was just a few minutes before daybreak. The boy always thought that the moment, when the sky was dyed red as the sky changed grey from the sun and moon, was gorgeous. The boy stared at the sky until it was completely taken over by blue. His mind, which was dazed from just waking up, started working.
He remembered the appearance of the person who had taught him the name of the colour red, and held his aching heart. The girl who was with the nuns. They had only spent a short amount of time together, but that was why he clearly remembered her eyes, which were the same colour as the dawn sky.
Then, he let out a sigh. The slightly sweet scent coming from the single flower that was placed by his pillow filled his nose. It made the hard, frozen thing in his chest a little smaller.
The gentle smile of the person who gave it to him crossed his mind and he smiled. The dawn sky and the scent of the flower were his solace from his sad awakening.
――― The sun rose fully and it was time to get up.
The boy turned his back to the window and stood up, and the iron plate that was hung at the entrance was struck with a wooden mallet. BANG BANG BANG The sound mercilessly echoed in the room, drowning out the snores and drew the filthy boys from their dreamland.
“It’s morning. Get up you fucking geezers!”
“… O-ooh. Mornin’ Radka.”
“Jeez, you’re relentless in the way you wake us up every morning…”
The boy sighed as the occupants of the room finally began crawling out of their beds. The last thing he wanted was to be distracted by irrelevant thoughts, so he threw the iron plate and mallet on the ground.
It has already been half a month since the boy, ――― Radka, or Elize Celustka, came here. There was a rule in the barracks that stated that the first person who woke up in the morning would wake everyone up, but for now, he was the only person who was banging the iron plate every day.
The wooden swords crossed together with a thud and the impact made Radka’s arm go numb. Radka had lost his centre of gravity and was trying to hold his ground, but as soon as he did, he felt his knees fold.
“Ah.”
His unsupported body was easily swept away by an adult’s power. The wooden sword flew out of his hand and the sand grated as he rolled on the ground. This was already the tenth time he’d been covered in sand even though he hadn’t even had breakfast yet.
He tried to get up once more, but his arms were too weak, and he fell to the ground again. His body was skinny and poorly developed for an apprentice soldier , and it had finally stopped listening to him because of the daily rigorous training.
“Hey, hey, don’t be slacking! Tsar was a lot more tenacious when she was five!”
“You won’t even be able to cut wheat, when even a five-year-old girl can beat you! As expected of Radka-cyama, who was raised like an Ojou-san!”
The rude soldiers around him took jabs at him. These soldiers were squires when the feudal lord’s daughter was thrown in here, and they were jeering at him and calling him an ‘Ojou-san’ because the Earl, who had thrown him in here, had said “Train her like you trained Viscountess Kaldia.”
The word ‘Ojou-san’ which was meant to tease him as a sheltered girl irritated him more than ever. His thin appearance and girly face were enough for him to have an inferiority complex.
“――― Shut, up! I am not like that feudal lord’s daughter; this is my first time learning the sword.”
He barked back at them while barely clenching his twitching arm with both his hands.
For the first time ever, he raised his voice since he had gotten tired of facing humiliation and having to eat sand every morning. He hadn’t spoken up before, not because of his patience, but because he was tired from training. His body still wasn’t used to his lifestyle, but his mind had grown accustomed to the days here.
His rough voice made the soldiers silent for a second. You became quiet with just that? The moment he thought that, the soldiers laughed hysterically since they couldn’t hold it back anymore.
“Even Tsar had never touched a sword before she came here!”
Radka could only stay silent at their mockery. Don’t nobles learn how to use a sword before they’re aware of anything that’s going on? The little nun who stayed at Cyril Village some years ago had certainly said that. He had only managed to endure their banter because he thought the person who he was being compared to had sword training before they were thrown in here. Now that it had been revealed, it shredded his small amount of pride into pieces.
More importantly, it was a bad comparison. The girl, who the soldiers called Tsar, was the daughter of the feudal lord ――― or rather, she was the current feudal lord ――― and Radka loathed her. Seeing Radka, whose face was twisted with rage and frustration, the soldiers’ laughter died down since they thought that they had teased him too much. He got irritated, they were bothering me so much, so why are they quiet now?
“――― Well, hmm, what? Don’t despise our feudal lord too much.”
One of the soldiers muttered, and the others also agreed and muttered the same things.
(… Ah, whatever! What the fuck?!)
Radka swung his fist down to the ground in frustration. At that moment, a cold voice sounded from someone who was watching him silently.
“Hurry and get up you brat. If you have that much energy, then we can go another five rounds.”
At the same time, the wooden sword that had been blown out of his hand fell on Radka’s stomach and he groaned.
With eyes full of resentment, he glared at the person who had not hesitated to perform such a reckless action on a child who hadn’t even turned 10. The man, who stood above Radka as he laid on the ground, returned the glare with a sharp glint.
“… I’m sorry.”
Radka flinched from the stare and apologised straight away, but the man’s eyes didn’t change. He quickly jumped up and held his sword, and the man stepped back a little.
――― That was a close call. If he had remained lying down for even a little longer, then he would have been kicked or stepped on. The man clicked his tongue at Radka who had escaped a crisis in a hair’s breadth.
“Hey, don’t just stand there looking stupid, and start.”
“Yes, Gunter-san.”
Radka nodded once and went straight for the man ――― Gunter.
… They only crossed swords a few times before Radka ended up rolling on the ground again because his body wasn’t listening to him.
At noon, Radka had to go get his own dinner. That was the rule of this fief’s army. However, Radka was physically tired to the point of vomiting and couldn’t hunt for his food because of severe fatigue. I’m used to being hungry, he sulked to himself and hadn’t gone to hunt for food even once.
“Oh, you’re here again?”
He would rather drag his weary body through the shadows of the buildings and trees and head towards the mansion that represented the despicable feudal lord rather than be seen by others. As soon as he leaped into a section of the intricately shaped courtyard, a soft voice came from above the window.
“Elize-sama!”
Radka looked up and meet the gaze of the girl who was peeking out from the upstairs window. She smiled elegantly and her smile was lovely like the flower he had received.
“Fufufu. It’s strange. You’re ‘Elize-sama’ too, aren’t you?”
He felt a bit bitter at being called that. But it was to the extent where he could gulp it down and smiled back at her. It was more important to him that the girl, who was holed up in her room and sickly, was looking quite well today.
“Elize-sama, what will you talk about today?”
“Anything…. More importantly, Elize-sama… I told you not to add -sama when you call me by my name, didn’t I?” Radka mumbled, and said what he wanted, since he allowed that.
He said this every time he came here, but Eliza only smiled happily and said, “I’m sorry,” then she would nod, but she would keep on attaching it to his name.
(I would really like to tell you my real name, but…)
Even though it was his real name, he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone except for the soldiers in the army. So, he wished that she would at least call him in a friendlier manner. Although he did think that it was too much for him to request something of a noble, since he was only a commoner ――― but he didn’t stop himself from saying it because Elize didn’t fit his image of ‘nobility’.
(Ah, it’s alright today too. Elize-sama doesn’t get angry no matter what I ask. Eliza-sama is also a special noble today. She doesn’t make anyone suffer and doesn’t do terrible things ―――.)
He let out a sigh at the sense of security that melted his brain.
The ‘nobles’ who Radka heard about were proud, spendthrifts, wore gaudy clothing and talked a lot, even though they didn’t care about the citizens. It was only a young nun trainee that had told him that, but he didn’t have any way of listening to other opinions, and he didn’t want to listen, since everyone in Kaldia agreed that the feudal lord ――― or more precisely, the former feudal lord ――― was exactly like that.
However, Elize, who was giving him a gentle smile, and his image of a noble didn’t connect. She didn’t spout cruel words such as “You’re opposing a noble even though you look like a commoner?” every time he chided her for the way she called his name, and it made him feel relieved.
On the other hand, the look that passed through his mind irritated him badly. Every day he heard her name while living at the barracks, it betrayed his image of a ‘noble’, the girl whom the soldiers love and called ‘Tsar’, Eliza. Kaldia’s daughter, who he resented.
… At Eliza’s sixth birthday celebration at the end of spring, Radka had thrown a rock at her when she passed through his village.
He was trying to kill her. He sincerely hoped that she would die, so he threw a rock at her head with all his might as she rode on top of the horse like an adult.
She had only received a graze, and fell off her horse, since he was a skinny and powerless child, but, as a result of being accused of treason for her failed assassination, he was allowed to live under the name ‘Elize’, for some reason.
(What ‘Tsar’?)
His frustrations turned to the soldiers because of what had happened this morning as well.
Tsar. An old word that remained from the Jugfena region. It comes from a tale about a wise king who ruled Jugfena before Saint Ahar was born.
(What ‘Tsar’? Isn’t she just someone who torments us?)
Radka spat in his mind behind the smile he showed Elize.
After a month and a half had passed since Radka was thrown into the barracks, he had gained enough strength not to throw up at noon. However, he still didn’t have enough energy to go hunt for dinner, so he continued to live without dinner.
Today, the distance for marching training was extended even further. Still, it was certainly progress, that he was able to stand until the end. But his feet hurt so badly that he decided not to visit Elize, and promptly crawled into bed.
Hunting ――― it reminded him of the noble lady who was appointed as the feudal lord’s daughter’s new guard. She was a blonde woman named Claudia, who came to the barracks after Radka finished his training and swung her spear around. She was more adept with the spear than anyone else in the fief’s army. She would whimsically join in on hunts and easily catch big game. Perhaps because of this, the soldiers teased Radka less about being an ‘Ojou-san’.
Her speech and conduct also destroyed his ‘image of a noble’.
――― Every noble lady wants to wear new dresses every day with the tax money they take from the citizens. Aren’t they horrible? … A nostalgic voice rang at the back of Radka’s ears. It had been two years since he last heard that voice, but he remembered it vividly. The voice was so clear that it was hard for him to forget.
Radka had always been injured somewhere before Eliza had taken him prisoner. It had always been like that until about four years ago, when the feudal lord died and the citizens of Kaldia slowly regained their lives as people.
In those days, he wandered outside alone, since he wanted to avoid the public gaze during the day, and he slept on the doorstep of the house at night, since he didn’t know what would happen if he was at home.
Radka’s heartbroken mother had finally lost the ability to recognise him. When she saw his black hair, she would mistake him for the feudal lord, and when she saw his red eyes, she would mistake him for the feudal lord. Only his hair and eye colour were the same as the feudal lord’s but that was enough for his heartbroken mother. ――― His mother, who was still delirious, tried to sew his eyelids together. From then on, both his mother and him came to fear each other.
The villagers shunned him. There were a lot of things about Radka that they disliked. For Radka, the inside of the village was just as unpredictable as the inside of his house.
Radka had no father. He was a child who was conceived and born when his mother was sent to ‘forced labour’. By the time his mother was sent back to the village, because her stomach was showing, she had already lost her mind and turned insane. Therefore, she didn’t know where she was or who the father of the baby was.
The rule was that any child conceived during ‘forced labour’ would be killed if they were a boy. The feudal lord announced that all the villagers would be punished if the boys were not killed. People were sent everywhere for ‘forced labour’, and the only thing they had in common was to ‘serve nobility’. Any remnants of that noble must not remain, aside from daughters; sons of nobles must not be born. Of course, the women who gave birth to the child also got punished along with the villagers, so once the mothers found out that the child they birthed was a boy, they would give it up as if their child had passed away.
Meanwhile, Radka’s mother, who had been kept away from the villagers because of her mental illness, gave birth to Radka all by herself. She went around pretending that her baby was a girl, and like that, she gave the baby the name ‘Radka’. Perhaps she had already decided from the start that she would raise the child regardless of whether they were a boy or not, but Radka’s mother didn’t prepare a male name for her child. Perhaps to hide the truth, Radka and his mother lived in a rugged hut on the outskirts of the village until they heard that the feudal lord had died. His mother never let him out of the house, and she also rarely went out herself.
However, the sudden news of the feudal lord’s death drove his mother even more insane. Radka, who received the brunt of her madness, couldn’t stand her erratic behaviour anymore, and escaped. Thus, his presence was finally discovered.
The small distance between them allowed his mother to regain her composure for a time, but she became more emotionally unstable after two years. Unable to recognise her precious son, who she raised in secret, she gradually began showing feelings akin to hatred towards him.
The rule which stated that Radka had to be killed disappeared when the feudal lord died, but the villagers alienated him since he reminded them of the feudal lord. They treated him as if he didn’t exist, just like before, and occasionally, they would look at him in disgust when they got too close to him.
Radka wandered around the outskirts of the village every day while looking at the ground. The young Radka observed his own mental exhaustion as he walked. The fact that his mother, who had been his whole world until then, had tried to harm him, was eating away at his soul.
By the time two years had passed, Radka only had a gloomy expression on his face. His fear of his mother, mixed with his love and hate for her, along with his severe loneliness, hastened the establishment of his ego in a warped way. It was around that time that the nuns arrived on their rounds. It was two years ago in spring when the adults in the village had finally sown rye in the fields. The villagers couldn’t welcome them, but the nuns, who imposed their own serenity on themselves, showed no signs of discontent with how the villagers were treating them, and they quickly became integrated in the village by spreading their ‘word’ and doing voluntary work.
『All nobles nowadays have forgotten their job. And yet, they continue to show off their privileges and live in luxury. These actions contradict the teachings of God.』
The nuns repeated those words enthusiastically. At the same time, they talked about the lives of the feudal lords and their arrogance, which they had seen and heard about during their journey. So the people of Cyril Village, who were made to live in hell because of their feudal lord, believed them. As a result, the villagers of Cyril Village still blindly believe in them, and their hatred for nobles, including the feudal lord, grew.
Even Radka was no exception, even though he didn’t understand half of what they were saying. Or rather, the person who listened to them feverishly and believed them was him. The hell that was created by a noble wasn’t over for him, and the words the young nun said to him during his pain-filled days were the only ‘words’.
Radka could still clearly remember the words of the trainee nun. All the words spoken by her established his knowledge of nobility.
――― Why’re you walking with your head down? You have to look ahead while you walk, otherwise it’s very dangerous.
The first time Radka heard that clear and spirited voice, he didn’t think it was directed at him. He had grown accustomed to being treated as if he didn’t exist when he was out.
――― Hey, are you okay?
She grabbed him on the shoulder and turned him around, startling him to the point where his heart seemed to have stopped beating. Radka saw his own reflection in the dawn coloured eyes that were looking down at him from a little higher up.
It was his first time ever seeing his own reflection in someone else’s eyes.
The glare from a red light burnt Radka’s eyes through his eyelids. The illuminating light annoyed him and awoke his slumbering consciousness. When he turned away and opened his eyes, the setting sun, that was shining through the window sill, had dyed the room scarlet.
(Did I fall asleep after training ended…?)
He managed to get his sleepy head moving and grasped his situation. It felt like he had just flopped into his bed, just a few moments ago, but, apparently, he had fallen asleep a few hours ago. He moved his somewhat more comfortable body and turned his back completely from the setting sun.
He could hear the joyous roars of the soldiers from outside the room, in the dining hall across from the corridor. The sound which was obstructed by the wall seemed directly related to him, and his surroundings, and he pursed his lips together. I hate evenings. Could this be due to the lonely memories of listening to the sounds of people enjoying themselves from the other side of the wall, like I am doing now?
The sounds of life coming from the houses along the road he took back to the rugged hut, where his heartbroken mother waited, while swallowing down his depressed feelings, tore at his weak heart. Even now, just thinking about parents calling their children by their names made him cough up with inexplicable envy.
Even now ――― Radka longed for someone to look at him and acknowledge him for whatever reason. The first person who granted his wish and taught him many things was the trainee nun with stained red eyes. That alone was enough to earn her his blind faith.
Breathing slowly at the cold, stubborn emotions that were slowly spreading out from within him because of the memory, he looked up at the wall that was hit with the setting sun, for no reason. Evenings were short in Kaldia. The room which was dyed in scarlet became redder and gradually dimmed.
If the sky at dawn was the colour of that girl’s eyes, then the blood-red sky at dusk resembled the eyes of the feudal lord’s daughter… Eliza. Or, they resembled the eyes of the dead feudal lord.
(I wonder if my eyes are the same colour.)
Radka gently covered his eyes with his palm. People say his eyes are red, but he couldn’t see them for himself. Then, he got incredibly gloomy. The horrific memory of his delirious mother almost gouging his eyes out flashed through his mind.
“… Oh, you’re awake?”
Radka dropped his arms when a voice suddenly called out to him from the half-opened door. When he raised his face, he saw a man in the prime of his life push open the door and enter the room.
The tall and slender man, who looked weak even though he was the soldier who had been here the longest, and his name was Calvin. Calvin looked at Radka and the corners of his eyes gently deepened. His shadow was finely chiselled in the faint light of the lingering evening sun.
“Good, I’m here to wake you up. Claudia-sama killed a giant fallow deer today. We’re just about to roast it together.
“Get up, we’re going to eat,” the man beckoned Radka, but Radka only stared at him blankly while sitting on the edge of his bed. I’m not sure what he’s saying. I could understand the words individually, but I couldn’t connect them together.
“… What’s wrong? You don’t feel well?”
Calvin must have thought that Radka’s appearance was weird since he came next to the bed. Radka quickly shook his head at the outstretched hand and the worried look on Calvin’s face.
“Not really…
“I’m just dull from confusion,” Radka said as he shook his head sluggishly and Calvin smiled wider. In the next moment, he lifted Radka up and walked out of the room without saying anything.
“…?”
Radka couldn’t speak because of the suddenness of the situation and could only cling to Calvin’s arm as he stared at the wall leading to the dining room.
Most of the soldiers who had stayed back at the base were in the dining hall when they entered.
“I’ve brought him here.”
“Ooh, as expected of Old Calvin.”
“Did your old wisdom allow you to easily bring the unmanageable Ojou-san here?”
When the soldiers noticed Calvin and Radka, they leered and raised their voices cheerfully. Radka felt his cheeks heat up.
“This isn’t childishly bullying a kid. They’re not teasing you because you don’t know how to act.”
But before he could speak out in rage, the soldier who was holding him patted his back and said, “Don’t worry about it.” His fury quickly died down, and the scream that was at the edge of his throat disappeared.
For some reason, it was really embarrassing and without thinking, Radka looked down and pressed his forehead against Calvin’s shoulder. Then he realised that the soldiers probably wouldn’t make fun of him in his current state, and that was all he could think about.
However, contrary to his expectations, the soldiers remained quiet. Radka was sure that they would laugh vulgarly, but they were silent as if they had withered and Radka felt suspicious. He slowly raised his face a little and tried to peek at the soldiers.
Just then, a sizzling, hot skewer of meat was presented to him and he couldn’t help but jerk back in surprise.
“… It’s yours.”
The young soldier, who had presented the meat to Radka, was a silent, young man who shared the room with him, named Igor. Normally, he would ignore Radka completely, but for some reason, today he was pushing the skewer at Radka, who was hesitant to take it, while averting his gaze. The meat on the skewer was bigger than any of the other soldiers’ portions, so he was even more confused about whether he should accept it.
“It’s definitely for you, hurry and take it. You haven’t been hunting for your dinner, right?”
Igor said again oppressively while Radka was hesitating on what to do, and Radka froze at once. Once his emotions were elevated, his mind filled with his juvenile thoughts and beliefs.
“――― Shut up. I don’t need charity from idiots who happily wag their tail at the girl who tormented them so much.”
As soon as he uttered those words, the soldiers around him gasped and fell silent.
(That’s right. They’re always going on about Tsar. She’s the daughter of a noble, the daughter of the feudal lord who tormented his people.)
His head and heart went numb like ice had been poured on them.
(If you side with her then one day you guys will…)
The same dark feelings he had when he threw the rock at the little girl on the horse erupted from within him. Then he gritted his teeth.
“――― Who wagged their tail at that brat and when?”
Igor let out a low and cold growl with his face contorted with intense emotions. He glared at Radka as if he could see through him and Radka was surprised by his threatening attitude.
(Why…?)
Radka was speechless since there was someone here who held the same hatred as him.
Igor suddenly shook his head, and got rid of the expression on his face, then he quickly turned around and moved away. Then, Radka realised that a bug had settled in his hand.
“Good grief… There really are a lot of hopeless guys here.”
Calvin had watched the series of exchanges and let out a bitter laugh.
“Jeez. Everyone’s making a big fuss because of one or two brats.”
Radka heard consent from beside him and his shoulders jolted. When he turned around to the voice, which came from opposite him, he saw Gunter standing there looking sullen and with a frown on his face like usual.
“Ah, you haven’t made any progress since Eliza-sama’s time.”
“He’s not making any progress, he’s getting worse. That brat didn’t care no matter how much people made fun of her, but that kid over there does, right?”
Radka bit his lips since he could guess a bit about what the two adults were talking about.
(That feudal lord’s daughter was also subjected to foul-mouth ridicule like this… It’s unthinkable.)
Still, that’s probably the truth judging by how Igor is acting. When Eliza was staying at these barracks, the soldiers directed their hatred and disgust at her.
Now… most soldiers refer to her as ‘Tsar’ and no one challenged the person who called her this. Not even Igor, who was enraged a few moments ago. That was, in other words, the best proof to show that he recognised Eliza as the new feudal lord.
(Her… Why…?)
Radka bit his lips even harder. Hatred raised its head every time he pictured her in his mind, but somehow, now a completely different emotion was swirling around in him like a haze.
Radka had no idea what that feeling was ――― I don’t even want to know, he muttered in his mind.
But that hazy emotion didn’t disappear within him from that day onwards, and it grew little by little.
Calvin’s small scolding made the soldiers reconsider their treatment of Radka, and from the next day onwards, the soldiers began talking to him somewhat, along with their usual banter.
The first couldn’t even be considered a conversation. It was a one-sided comment made by a seated soldier at breakfast, “There aren’t many ingredients.” Then, after being beaten around by Gunter, and receiving the usual banter, they would awkwardly encourage him.
The extremely awkward soldiers took the same actions as they had before, but they learnt how to respond based on their dialogue with Radka. They exchanged a word or two with each other while being confused, and a few days later, they spoke more to him. Gradually, the soldiers began to complain about the feudal lord and the harshness of their training, and finally, they started talking about deeper topics, such as their villages and families.
The things that Radka heard from the soldiers were all shocking to him.
For example, most of them became thieves after they became broke and they hated the feudal lord as much as Radka did. Therefore, the soldiers treated Eliza quite harshly when she first entered the barracks. He heard that she was knocked down by Gunter more mercilessly than him and the others, that she was subjected to verbal abuse instead of banter, and so on.
“It hurts to talk about it now, but Tsar was scared the whole time she was here. She always braced herself for when we would kill her. In fact, she’s even been strangled once and nearly died… Oh no, that’s just what I’ve heard.”
The hard feeling in Radka’s chest mysteriously disappeared when the man in his room told him that.
His hatred for Eliza hadn’t disappeared. But every time he heard a story like that, the haze in his mind widened and his icy feelings of irritation and murderous intent were pushed away.
He was bewildered by the change. He couldn’t keep up with the strange shift in emotions that occurred every time he had a conversation with the soldiers.
“Hey.”
After march training, someone shook Radka as he sat down to rest in the shade of a tree with his eyes closed, so he opened his heavy eyelids. The glare of light that instantly entered his vision made the back of his eyes ache.
“… Igor-san.”
It was Igor. Igor tossed the cloth he had used to wipe of Radka’s sweat at him, then crouched down and looked at his face.
“Are you so tired that you can’t even walk? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine…”
Radka replied indecisively, and Igor frowned. Realising that he didn’t look alright, Radka quickly added.
“I’m not lying. I’m more hot than tired.”
He was partly sitting here because he was tired from training, but the heat was more exhausting. It was the height of summer and the sunlight, which was shining down on them every day, was tediously hot and dazzling. The white-skinned Radka was weak against the sunlight.
“Then hurry back to the barracks. If you stay here forever, then you’ll miss lunch.”
“Hmm… I want to cool off for a little longer.”
The sun was shining brightly outside of the shade, and he hesitated to go out there. He knew that the barracks were cooler, since the wind blew through there, but he didn’t even have the energy to move from this spot right now.
“Igor-san, you go ahead. I’m not really hungry, so I don’t need lunch.”
“You…”
Igor sighed in amazement. Then, another voice cut in.
“Hey Radka, you alright?”
“Oh, Calvin-san?”
It was Calvin, who should have already gone back to the barracks. Radka tilted his head in confusion, since Calvin had returned, and Calvin laughed cheerfully while handing them both a cup, “Here.”
“We have to rehydrate after training.”
Radka silently accepted the cup that was filled with water. The haze in his chest suddenly widened at the fact that Calvin had gone out of his way to bring him a cup of water since he wasn’t able to move.
Since the giant fallow deer incident, Igor and Calvin spoke to him the most. They worried about him a lot due to the age difference between them, and one-sidedly took care of him. But even so, they still bothered him a lot.
The distance between him and Igor disappeared in this short period of time, probably because they both had the same feelings towards Eliza. Radka didn’t lose his temper when he was with Igor, so he didn’t have to use any unnecessary energy. They began to act together on a daily basis, since they slept and woke up in the same room, and Radka gradually began to recognise him as an older brother figure.
Radka tilted the cup and quenched his throat with the cold water. That alone made things easier.
“Do you feel more comfortable?”
“… Yeah, I feel a little better.”
Igor had finished drinking his water, and the moment Radka agreed, he reached out and lifted Radka over his shoulder, as if he was some kind of package.
“Uoah, wait…!”
The sudden floating sensation caused Radka to quickly cling onto Igor’s clothes.
“The cool water cooled you down a bit, right? You should at least have a proper lunch, since you didn’t eat anything last night. Otherwise, you’ll always be short and thin no matter how much time passes ‘Ojou-san’.”
“You can leave me here,” Radka began, and Igor quickly interrupted him. Radka’s mouth bent down reflexively at the word ‘Ojou-san’.
“… I’m sorry for causing so much trouble. Well, thanks.”
――― However the words that came out of his mouth were completely different from the ones he had in his mind.
Radka quickly covered his mouth in surprise. In the past, he would definitely have shouted in irritation, “You’re noisy!”
Igor and Calvin were also looking at him in surprise. Neither of them had expected that Radka would say such a thing.
“… Well. That honest side of you, it’s nice that you still have the innocence of a child. It’s annoying and gross to not see you act like a brat, even though you’re so small.”
Eventually, Igor muttered as if he was spitting out the words. It was easy to tell who he was talking about, even without being told their name. Out of the corner of his eyes, Radka saw Calvin gently close his eyes.
(… No matter what he says, Igor still recognises that girl in the end. Though he probably hates her…)
Thinking of Eliza’s icy face, Radka let out all the air in his lungs in depression.
Eliza who spent her time being careful not to depend on the kindness of others and not showing any weakness to the soldiers. If Igor didn’t recognise her, then he wouldn’t say the words ‘not like a brat’.
(She certainly didn’t seem to act like a child at all, despite being younger than me.)
Radka recalled the day of Eliza’s birthday celebration. She seemed extremely calm towards someone who was trying to kill her. That was clearly not the behaviour of an ordinary child.
He even recalled her fiery eyes and was instantly enveloped in a feeling that felt as if he was choking.
(… What is she planning to do with me?)
『According to the words of the shrine maiden Xia Fema, a sinner must be made to atone for their crimes with the appropriate punishment to cleanse the soul of impurities. So, I can’t give you the death penalty here, now can I?』
The horrifyingly cold, yet searing voice resounded at the back of his ears and made it difficult for him to breathe.
Eliza took Radka’s life and name away from him. Since she had given him a replacement name, it was hard to believe that he would spend the rest of his life in the barracks as Radka.
What will happen to me? Will I suffer even worse than death?
… Would that suffering include cutting off what little connection I have to others, and force me into complete isolation? He recalled the dark room in the dungeon where he was chained up after he was captured. The next time, I might be locked up until I die… The moment he thought that, a chill went down to his gut, as if he had swallowed a huge piece of ice.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you going to puke?”
Igor must have felt his slight shiver, so he gently patted him on the back.
“Eh, ah, no, nothing, I’m alright.”
Radka quickly denied, and Igor nodded, “Ok.” But his hand continued to pat Radka’s back.
Radka felt as if the warm haze in his head got a little warmer. And at the same time, the cold, hard feeling in his chest faded a bit. For some reason, the emotion that shouldn’t have mattered before felt like it was trying to freeze his surroundings, and Radka gently bit his lips at the slight pain to endure it.
Radka lost his appetite after training due to heat fatigue, and decided that it was better to go out hunting rather than stuff himself with lunch while feeling horrible.
He forced himself to walk to the dining hall since he couldn’t have Igor or Calvin carry him back every time he couldn’t move, but in the end, he hardly ate anything, so they scolded him.
(Igor and Calvin will probably stop bothering me so much if I eat breakfast and dinner properly instead of having lunch.)
When the trainee nun stayed in the village, she had taught Radka more things than just the notoriety of nobles. His mother couldn’t work, and he was always starving since he didn’t have the strength to work, so she shared her knowledge about wild grasses with him. Wild grasses that are considered poisonous due to the fact that their leaves and fruits couldn’t be eaten, and seeds which were discarded because of their strong bitter taste could be considered as food, as long as one knew how to prepare and cook them. The nomad nuns who travelled through the vast Arxian lands have passed down knowledge on these wild grasses for generations to avoid disputes over food in places they stayed at.
(I’ll probably be fine as long as I have this much. I’m getting a little tired.)
Radka looked down at the woven basket at his side. The amount of grass and nuts that filled the inside of the basket was slightly less than he had planned to gather, but the heat combined with doing something he wasn’t used to made him not want to continue. It’s not like I’m sharing it with anyone, Radka thought and went straight back to the barracks.
There was no sunlight in the dining hall of the barracks, and it was well ventilated, so it was comfortable to be in there. He sat in the corner of the dining hall, moistened his throat, and processed what he had harvested. Radka suddenly remembered Elize while silently working on removing the inedible parts of the wild grasses and hollowing out the nuts from the shell.
(Come to think of it, I haven’t been to see her lately.)
He had been resting in the barracks after training since the increase in training and heat fatigue had left him feeling physically exhausted. Thinking back, he had abruptly stopped his visits. He couldn’t tell her in advance that his training had increased, and the temperature suddenly rose on days when he thought it would rain, so he hadn’t visited her.
(… I wonder what she thinks about me not visiting all of a sudden. Elize-sama is kind, so she might be worried that something happened to me…)
He felt strangely hopeful when he thought that. The girl’s jingly voice as she said, “Please come again, I look forward to talking to you,” warmed his heart.
… But, in the next second, Radka suddenly felt as if he had been thrusted into an abyss of anxiety. The knife, which he had used to cut the grass, slipped out his hand and fell to the ground with a thump.
His mother’s trembling voice echoed at the back of his mind and overlapped with Elize’s words, “Please don’t leave mother alone…” That was the wish his mother had repeated over and over when he was still hidden in the house.
――― After Radka had gone against her wish and escaped from that house, his mother gradually stopped recognising him. She didn’t notice even when he returned wounded. She also barely responded to his voice before she died. He knew that escaping to protect himself hadn’t been a mistake, and that it hadn’t directly driven his mother insane, but he felt guilty for betraying her.
(Elize-sama isn’t crazy like my mother.)
Radka desperately tried to drive her voice out of his head.
(I didn’t betray Elize-sama’s wish. I didn’t betray her.)
He desperately tried to deny, but his head thought of chilling situations on its own. What if Elize-sama felt betrayed since I didn’t go visit her? Or, if I’m no longer valuable to her… Elize-sama is a noble. No matter how much I say she is different from other nobles that I’ve heard about, she’ll probably quickly forget about a commoner who doesn’t even come to see her… She might be angry, wondering why I didn’t obey her words when she told me to visit her.
An uncomfortable feeling that felt like fear creeped over from his toes at his unpleasant imagination. He shook his head to shake off the feeling and picked up his knife again. He went back to his work and immersed himself in the simple movements to try and forget the fear.
The fear that expanded in Radka’s head by the end turned into an obsession to go see Elize. He didn’t even take a break after training was over, and dragged his nauseous and tired body to see Elize.
(We haven’t seen each other in a month, so I’m sure Elize-sama isn’t waiting for me.)
She probably wouldn’t wait that long for someone who never came, he bit his lips. He should have realised that time was passing sooner and visited her earlier.
――― However, as he walked around the building and out towards the courtyard, the waiting person was still there. Radka’s heart beat faster the moment he saw Elize resting her elbow on the window sill with a sombre look on her face.
“Eelize-sama!”
He quickly ran to the window and called out her name, then Elize noticed Radka as well and she looked surprised and happy.
“Elize-sama!”
Elize called the same name that she had been called. It felt extremely uncomfortable to be called that name, since he hadn’t been called in a long time, but he didn’t care about that for a second when he saw Elize’s face loosen in happiness. The name that the feudal lord’s daughter had forced on him was annoying, but even that didn’t matter if he considered that he got that name from this girl.
At the same time, the anxiety and fear that had been tormenting him so much disappeared as if it was an illusion.
“I’m sorry that I stopped coming… without saying anything.”
“No, it’s fine… I was worried since you hadn’t come here for a while. I wondered if something had happened to you… But I’m relieved you look fine.”
She said with a dazzling smile and Radka felt his chest squeeze. His heart pounded strongly to the point it hurt and the palpitation sounded at the back of his ears.
(See… It was okay after all. Elize-sama hasn’t forgotten about me.)
Radka’s mind went numb with relief as if he had been blessed with something.
(Elize-sama is special, she wouldn’t do something terrible, even if she doesn’t think of commoners as people…)
He wiped his blood-soaked eyes at the contradicting thought that almost flashed through his mind, and presented the gift he had clenched in his palm. They were remarkably nutritious and tasty seeds that he had carefully processed yesterday.
“Umm, here. I brought you these in order to make up for not being able to visit. I gathered them yesterday. I’ll throw it up there now.”
He nervously clenched the seeds again. Elize’s room was on the second floor, so he needed to throw them up there to give them to her.
(I wonder if she’ll think that she doesn’t need it. Elize-sama is a noble, and she eats food cooked by chefs every day. She probably won’t be happy with these seeds that even the villagers ignore…)
Elize tilted her head in puzzlement as Radka looked up at her nervously. Then she asked curiously.
“What does ‘gather’ mean?”
Her response was too surprising. Radka’s brain stopped since he couldn’t process what had happened.
“Ah… What?”
Elize looked down blankly at Radka who had raised his voice stupidly and froze. Silence fell between them. What does ‘gather’ mean? Radka couldn’t be blamed for not understanding the question that had gone into his ears even after taking five deep breaths.
Something that was very natural for Radka, that even children did for work, was something distant to Elize, who didn’t make her own food because she was a noble, and was raised carefully in a box since she had a weak constitution.
――― He suddenly heard a giggle. The sound, which came from Elize’s window, caused him to put his guard up.
After having been placed in the barracks, he didn’t recall being told that it was alright for him to approach the mansion. On the other hand, he hadn’t been told that he couldn’t approach either, but this was the residence of a noble. He faintly sensed that he must not approach the mansion, since he was a commoner. Therefore, he always moved through the shadows to avoid being seen, whenever he came here. Since there was no guarantee that there wouldn’t be another person besides Elize who wouldn’t criticise him.
And yet…
“Whaat, Maya? Why’re you laughing?”
“… Well, Ojou-sama... I just thought that you surprised him.”
Elize started talking to the owner of the voice without being particularly bothered by the fact that Radka had completely frozen in place. The owner of the voice responded calmly to Elize.
“Harvesting edible flowers and nuts is called gathering. I’m sure Eliza-sama mentioned this when she talked about living at the barracks.”
“Yes, you’re right… I see, so that’s what gathering means.”
Elize turned back to Radka with a satisfied smile on her face. Radka smiled in the spur of the moment, but even he could tell that his cheeks were twitching.
(She’s talking as if she knows about me. Has she been in the room the whole time…?)
Could it be that she has been listening to my conversation with Elize-sama the whole time? When he thought that, he felt a twitching sensation in his chest.
He had thought that this relaxing interaction was just between Elize and himself, and he even felt that it was sacred.
Radka was ――― but he tried his best to drive away all of the complex emotions, which had made his cheeks twitch, from the corner of his mind.
Elize-sama is a noble. I’m sure nobles are used to having their personal interactions being heard by a third party. That must be natural to them. This is normal to her, just like how she didn’t know the word ‘gather’; in other words, nothing I said meant anything to her.
――― No matter how different she is from my image of a noble… She is a ‘noble’ without a doubt, he felt. The existence of the ‘nobles’ that the stained red eyed girl hated still remained in him.
“What’s wrong?”
Elize tilted her head curiously and looked down at Radka.
“――― About what? Nothing?”
It seemed that each of their social positions indicated their relationship, and Radka quietly took his eyes off Elize.
(My stomach… is kind of painful for some reason…)
… The feeling that was submerging deeper and deeper started freezing slowly. That feeling, which was much deeper than before the warmth pushed through him, was telling him that the pain was still there.
It had been a long time since Radka had seen Elize, but somehow, he had told her that he was busy with practice, so it was difficult for him to visit her, then he ran back to the barracks. Since then, it felt like his chest was being filled with lumps of ice, and it was so painful.
Three girls repeatedly flashed through his mind.
“Nobles are horrible. They make the villagers suffer as much as they can, and live a good life while having fun every day,” the girl with the dawn coloured eyes said while smiling softly, then next, Elize flashed through his mind with her fleeting smile as she shook her head.
Then after them, the words that the feudal lord’s daughter, Eliza, with her cold blood-red eyes, had said when he was locked in the dungeon replayed in his mind.
『A kingdom’s laws are there to protect its people. According to some people, that would include nobility as well. Apparently, some people think that nobles aren’t regular people, they’re gears that move this kingdom. Nobles are people who obey the law and enforce it… It is said that foolish people, who forget this, hurt people and destroy the kingdom. Like my father had.』
She had said that with an icy expression on her face, but then she suddenly started crying. She hadn’t realised that she was crying and was terribly surprised and frantic, ――― she acted similar to a village child, like Radka.
That played on and on in his mind, and Radka felt like he was going crazy.
The girl who had absolute values, the girl who was the most important to him, and the girl whose existence was hateful and dreadful. ――― But for some reason, that girl had allowed him to live, even after he had tried to kill her.
Radka didn’t know who to trust and was confused. He couldn’t catch up with his emotions.
His emotions, which were distorted by his upbringing, were out of balance with his clever mind. It caused a divergence in his thoughts and emotions and extremely disrupted the order in his mind.
His mind was thrown into confusion and turned completely white, then time passed, just like the wind.
By the time he realised, the height of summer was over and the area around the Golden Hill Mansion was beginning to take on the colours of autumn.
The next day at noon, he had lunch with Igor and Calvin, with whom he had become quite close to.
“… Going to war?”
Radka repeated the words that Calvin had unexpectedly said. The tip of the spoon that had just sunk into the soup slid and hit the bottom of the bowl.
“That’s right. The soldiers from the neighbouring kingdom are approaching Jugfena Fortress to the east. I heard that the feudal lord, Eliza-sama, has ordered the troops to go to war. Igor and I will be among them. Whether the squires will be accompanying us is yet to be seen.”
Calvin nodded calmly and Radka remembered his mouth bending open to utter his opposition, “Why can you accept it so easily?”
Jugfena Fortress was on the national border. Radka didn’t know that ――― Jugfena was the most dangerous place in Arxia, since it faced the only unfriendly nation to Arxia, Densel, and was a place where people had to be prepared for death. But he did have a vague idea of what it meant for a soldier to go to the border.
However, the fact that Calvin and the others were leaving the barracks was more important to Radka.
“――― Are you going to fight?”
The words that he had squeezed out weren’t words that he had wanted to say.
There was no way Radka would be going to Jugfena with them. It was made clear to him beforehand that his life in the barracks would come to an end. He didn’t know when it would end, but he knew for certain that it would be an abrupt farewell.
Radka felt the urge to scratch his chest, almost as if he was sure that time was approaching. The barracks will be empty when they leave. Radka must have been placed in the barracks for some reason, so it was hard for him to imagine that they would leave him here while the barracks were empty, and his guards were gone.
“Who knows. I heard that there was a rebellion going on in an area relatively close to Arxia, so they’re going to take precautions against it. Did you not know that this fief was accepting refugees?”
Igor replied somewhat unhappily, and Radka nodded. He had heard that the fief was accepting refugees. The soldiers who came into contact with Radka at the village, such as those who captured him and held him down, all went to the place where the refugees would be staying, therefore Radka was able to stay in the barracks without any problems.
“The fief is short on manpower because of the previous shit feudal lord. I don’t know if it was the geezer or the brat who thought of this, but they’re going to develop the fief by taking in refugees. So, we have to send out troops against the guys from the neighbouring kingdom since they’re chasing after the refugees.”
Igor spoke roughly, since he wasn’t pleased with what Eliza was doing or accomplishing. Calvin frowned in amazement and supplemented the missing information.
“I heard that Eliza-sama took an active role in accepting the refugees. The refugees brought seeds and livestock with them, and in exchange for living in this fief, they will give some to the villages that were being reconstructed earlier… If that’s true, then that kid probably won’t become like the previous feudal lord?”
Calvin informed him and Radka sulked and only said, “We don’t know that yet.” Calvin agreed gently.
“I suppose so. It is still unknown how Eliza-sama will grow up in the future. But it’s true that she’s working for the citizens of her fief right now… And, when she lived in the barracks, she trained very hard every day. You know better than anyone how hard training is, don’t you?”
Calvin smiled bitterly, and Radka couldn’t nod his head. But when he remembered how hard training was, he couldn’t shake his head either.
When the twenty soldiers returned from the refugee reception area, Earl Theresia’s private army arrived to defend the fief in the absence of the soldiers and feudal lord, and Eliza left with the fief soldiers to Jugfena fortress.
Some of the soldiers who returned from the reception area were those who had directly captured Radka on the day of Eliza’s birthday celebration. Radka returned to Golden Hill Mansion before they arrived. He had expected it, but he wasn’t even allowed to say his farewells to Calvin, Igor or the soldiers who stayed in the same room as him.
Radka was allocated to the room at the far end of the mansion, just like before. The chains that were used to restrain him to the room had been removed, as if they weren’t intending on restricting his movements this time, but the toys and fluffy cushions, that had been prepared for him to pass time, were also gone.
Radka was alone in the empty room. It was a far cry from the cramped rooms at the barracks. But he wasn’t pleased with the size of the room at all.
(Although they have better food to eat, clothes to wear and bed to sleep on than in the barracks…)
Living in the barracks was much simpler in comparison, but Radka believed that it was still better to stay there than here. At least, he could talk to Igor, Calvin and the other soldiers every day. He could take on the name Radka and be called Radka.
But that wasn’t allowed in the mansion.
There was no one named Radka in the Golden Hill Mansion. The orphan named ‘Radka’ from Cyril Village had already been executed and was dead. Now that he had returned to the mansion, the boy named Radka who lived in the barracks was also gone. And so, a girl named Elize Celustka, who was invited to the mansion as a playmate for the feudal lord’s daughter, was the only representation of himself.
(… So instead of training, I will have a noble upbringing.)
Only a limited number of people were busily coming in and out of his room, and Radka was made to study every day. As if to hammer noble education into him all at once, he spent his mornings learning letters and etiquette, and in the evenings, he went outside to learn how to use a rapier.
He was busy with the assignments given to him by his two tutors, and hardly left his room. He lived an isolated life. Radka felt suffocated living like this and his depression gradually grew. He didn’t have time to talk to anyone other than his tutors, and even then, he couldn’t do anything, as far as he was concerned, since they corrected his actions and words.
(Really, what the fuck is she thinking?)
Radka was perplexed when he recalled the time when he had thrown a stone at her.
She should have said that he would be executed. But the next morning, he only had his hair cut and was confined to this mansion instead. The food was simple, but it was enough for him to eat, and he received them at fixed intervals. He was provided with a cloth to wipe his body with every day and hot water. Thanks to that, any trace of the skinny, hairy and dirty little kid from his time in the village was gone, and was replaced by a healthy, small and beautiful child.
The people in the village surely wouldn’t recognise him if they were to see him now. They all thought Radka had died, and had little contact with him in the first place. Maybe all they remembered about him was the colour of his hair and eyes. In any case, the shade of his hair and eyes reminded them of the feudal lord, and they always avoided him, even though the feudal lord was dead.
However, he wasn’t able to say that the change in his appearance was ‘good’. The appearance he had, when he spent time with his mother in the village, and the name Radka, that he had received from her, weren’t things that were easily abandoned.
Even if his mother had gone mad and even if his mother had tried to harm him.
――― His filthy appearance was a symbol of the days he spent with his mother in the village, and receiving a girl’s name was proof that his mother had loved him. Radka certainly felt resentment at Eliza for changing him as she liked because he was dirty and unhealthy, for giving him another name just because it was inconvenient and for taking him away without permission.
(In the end… no one needs ‘me’ aside from mum. That’s why ‘Radka’ was killed.)
After three weeks, Radka became completely depressed with those thoughts in mind. It was painful to be busy every day with being forced to study and isolated in a room.
However, Radka couldn’t abandon this. The tutors all said words like, “Eliza-sama acquired all these things through hard work,” which stirred up his sense of rivalry.
If the things those two and Calvin said were to be believed, then the feudal lord’s daughter started from scratch like Radka had and gained recognition from those around her through her efforts. Radka’s pride didn’t allow him to abandon his studies without being able to do the same thing. If he admitted that it was difficult to acquire a noble’s education, then his perception of nobles living lavishly was wrong. Therefore, Radka had no choice but to desperately follow Eliza’s lead. So that he could tell her that the things she had done was ‘easy and didn’t require effort’.
――― Although he was dimly aware that thinking like that was a way of acknowledging the other person’s efforts, he pushed the thoughts out of his mind. But he still hadn’t realised that the killing intent he felt towards her had changed into rivalry.
A month after he returned to the mansion.
“So, then Elise-sama, today I will be teaching you about nobility and the law.”
“… Please do.”
Lady Marechan, a tutor who corrected his language and behaviour, placed a box-like object, that he had never seen before, on the table in front of him. Radka timidly reached out for the box.
“That is called a book.”
The thing that resembled a box was a bundle of papers which were scattered with words that he had learnt how to read and write, and when he opened the book, the letters were all lined up in a row. He ran his eyes over the paper that was filled with words until there was no white space left, and even though he was following the letters, the meaning of the words wasn’t entering his mind. Besides that, the words that were written on the paper were those he didn’t know, and he didn’t understand what was written on them at all.
“Do you understand what it says?”
“… No.”
“I thought so. If you could read this on your own, then you wouldn’t need to take any lessons.”
Lady Marechan, who always had a perfect smile on her face, softened her eyes slightly. Radka felt dizzy from all the words on the paper, and Lady Marechan’s voice, as she gleefully began explaining the outline to him, entered his ears.
Then, Radka regretted it. I shouldn’t be taking these lessons ――― and I shouldn’t know what a noble is.
In Arxia, the law is at the heart of everything. It was based on faith, and it concerned everyone who lived here from the founding days to the present. The administration and executor of those ‘laws’, which are important, are nobles. The law provides order and healthy people. ‘Nobles’ were existences that guarded that law.
The first shrine maiden, Xia Fema, was given the law by the god, Misorua, ――― and spread his teachings through the ‘Sacred Code’ and brought order to the people. Then, her descendant, Saint Ahar, created the Ar Xia church to protect the law. He created a nation to protect those who lived according to the Ar Xia church’s scriptures and created ‘nobles’ as fighting strength to protect that nation.
At the end of all this, the thing that built the Arxia Kingdom was also the ‘law’, and if that were the case, then the administrators and guardians of the Kingdom are also ‘nobles’.
That night, Radka recalled Eliza’s words. “Nobles aren’t regular people; they’re gears that move this kingdom…” Those words were also confirmed by the girl with the dawn coloured eyes. Furthermore, that girl had said that nobles had forgotten the work that had been assigned to them and were living lavishly. But if those words were true, then why did Radka and Eliza have to be educated in this way?
Once he had gotten to know the education of a noble first-hand, his feelings towards them changed ――― and by extension, it was impossible for him to keep his feelings towards Eliza. The image of the girl that was deeply rooted in him, as an absolute entity, crumbled every time he read a book or received strict guidance.
(… I shouldn’t have known this. This is what nobles study. It’s not something I should learn.)
――― Nobles are executors of the law. If one was a proper noble, then bending the law would put their position in jeopardy. It wasn’t only the citizens, but nobles and the royal family had to obey the law as a means of protecting themselves.
That feudal lord’s daughter ―――Eliza should have known that. She knew that and yet she slipped past the law and allowed Radka to live. How grave was it for Eliza, who was judged by the law in the past and was allowed to live, to do that? Radka opposed this and wanted her to die, and thus was caught when he threw a stone at her. Eliza was protected by the law and letting Radka live was neither beneficial nor detrimental to her.
Like Radka, there were many people who turned their resentment towards her, as she was the only sole survivor from the feudal lord’s family. Keeping him alive meant that if someone did the same thing and threw a stone at her, then she would let them live.
When he thought that, Radka felt as if he had caught a glimpse of the heavy burden on her small shoulders. He sighed at the heavy feeling that was settling in the pit of his stomach.
(Ah, that girl, she hadn’t lied. She plans on thoroughly killing ‘Radka’ so that I can live…)
What little he had as Radka was dying; his name, his thoughts and his beliefs. Even his language, behaviour and ignorance.
He was informed of Eliza’s return a few days after. The whole mansion was buzzing with activity for a while, and after a seven day delay, Gunter led the fief army back.
Radka looked down from his window at the courtyard where the soldiers were being rewarded, since he knew that he would be scolded if someone were to see him. In the garden which was laid out in a circle with different coloured bricks, the soldiers had a shady expression on their faces and didn’t talk much while eating, and drinking alcohol. Most of them were injured somewhere.
It was obvious even to Radka that something had happened even though he didn’t know anything. Eliza must have been badly injured as well, since she had been holed up in her room since she had returned earlier.
With that in mind, Radka stopped looking down at all the soldiers and began searching for those he knew from the barracks. He didn’t know when he would see them next, and he might not have the opportunity to meet them ever again. Radka wanted to see them one last time, since he couldn’t bid them farewell, and moved his gaze around.
Gunter stood out so he found him straight away. Soldiers of all ages gathered around that rich, wavy, decaying leaf-coloured head. There was something about him that drew others to him. Unusually, Calvin was sitting next to him while relaxing. While the other soldiers had gloomy expressions on their faces, Calvin was the only person who didn’t lose his calm. Strangely, the soldiers around him were the only ones who seemed somewhat relieved.
… Then, Radka’s gaze wandered amongst the soldiers for a while, looking for his plain senior.
(Igor-san isn’t here. I hope he’s not badly injured…)
Every time his eyes gazed over the soldiers, in search of Igor, he suddenly felt uncomfortable and frowned.
(… Huh? What is it? Something doesn’t feel right…)
The moment he realised what that uncomfortable feeling was, he shuddered at the cold chill that went through his body and caused goose bumps.
There were clearly a lot of soldiers. A few people who Radka knew weren’t there, as if they were missing.
(Even the wounded… are here… aren’t they…?)
Even those who were badly injured, with their bodies nearly covered in bandages, were being congratulated for their return while sheltered by those around them.
He could feel sweat seeping into his palms, and yet, a chill ran down his neck.
They went to defend the border, and there was a battle ――― in other words; they had killed each other.
Radka looked down at the soldiers through the thick glass and swallowed his saliva.
The more he thought about the soldiers who weren’t there, the more his head grew numb and cold, as if it were freezing.
――― Midnight. Radka quietly opened his room door. The corridor was dark, since the candles had been extinguished, and the only light source came from the starlight which reflected inside through the thick window panes.
Radka had been looking for an opportunity to escape for the past few days since the soldiers’ return. Tonight, thanks to the fact that he had waited until even the servants went to bed, it was so quiet that he could even hear the sound of his own breathing. Radka decided that this was his opportunity and left his room. He cautiously made his way down the dark corridor while holding his breath. Getting out of the mansion was his priority, so he rolled out of the window that was on the ground floor.
It was halfway through autumn and the outside air was freezing. Radka headed for the south door of the barracks while rubbing his arms because of the cold. Unlike the mansion, the barracks were lit even at night, and there was always a soldier on guard. Radka knew that there was only a single soldier on duty at the south door since Igor had spilt that out while complaining. It seemed like a good place to have a private conversation.
He peeked out from the shadows and checked who was on duty first. The soldiers from the refugee settlement had returned, so it was possible that it was a soldier whom he didn’t know.
(… Hmm… Ah, good. I know him.)
Fortunately, the soldier on guard was someone who had joined him in training. He let out a sigh of relief since it seemed like his escape hadn’t been in vain. Radka wasn’t close to this soldier like he was with Igor and Calvin, but the soldier also wasn’t one of the people who abused and ridiculed him.
Radka slowly stepped forward from the darkness as not to alarm the soldier.
“Who is it!?”
At the sound of the crunching sand, the soldier quickly raised the sword in his right-hand and armed himself against whoever was coming. The soldier was surprised by the small silhouette that was vaguely lit by the candlelight, and once he had realised that it was Radka, he hesitated for a moment before lowering his sword.
“Radka…?”
“Yeah, that’s right. It’s me.”
“Where the fuck have you been? … More importantly, why are you here at this time?”
He felt relieved to see the soldier’s bewildered expression since he hadn’t seen an emotional expression in a while, and relaxed. The expressions he had seen lately were all expressionless, and they made him wince.
“Well, I’m being taken care of somewhere else. But, a lot of things have been tough, and I can’t come here until this time. The people at home won’t let me know how everyone is doing.”
“You came here just to ask about us?”
Radka nodded, and the soldier scratched his cheek embarrassed. He had lowered his sword, but he still had his guard up.
“I saw everyone from a distance. There were a few people who I didn’t see… and I was worried whether they were injured or something. Is Igor-san and the others who were in the same room as me… alright? Did they come home?”
He had only asked the minimum, since he didn’t want the soldier to suspect him.
However, the soldier’s face quickly paled at the mention of Igor’s name. The light of the candle shone on the soldier’s white face.
With that reaction alone, Radka knew how Igor was. He bit his lip.
Silence fell between Radka and the soldier for a short moment. The autumn night breeze caressed Radka over and over again. His body got cold and his shoulders began to shiver.
Radka’s sneeze, because it was so cold, was the first thing that broke the silence. Then, the soldier finally came to his senses and rushed over to him.
“Hey, don’t catch a cold. You’re dressed so lightly…!”
“… I’m fine. I have warm blankets when I get back home. But before I go, can you at least tell me what happened to Igor?”
Radka looked at the soldier straight in the eye causing the soldier to flinch. The soldier’s lips trembled a few times, and then he finally let out a small and mumbling voice.
“Igor, he died. He died at Jugfena. He was stabbed in the stomach from behind… Ryszard, Dominic, Wojciech, Frederic, and Josef also died. Tsar… Eliza-sama was also badly hurt. I heard that Kamil, who was next to her, was also done in, and she’s been acting strange ever since then. It’s like she’s fallen asleep…”
Every time the soldier listed a name he knew, one after the other, he felt a dull, numbing feeling in his brain. He grew dizzy and covered his face with his trembling fingers. The awkward, silent soldier walked back to the door.
Unable to say anything, Radka left the place in silence. He had a feeling that it was possible, but to be confronted with the deaths of those whom he knew was too much and his eyes flickered black and white in shock.
On top of that, when he heard that Eliza, the person who was in charge of his fate, was also acting strange, his legs felt wobbly.
(I… I…)
He withstood the horrible dizziness that was rushing through him as he followed the night path back to the mansion. The soldier watched in worry as Radka’s shaking, little back disappeared into the darkness of the night.
――― Radka looked down silently at the girl who was lying in front of him.
Her long black hair had lost its lustre and was scattered across the white sheets. Her red pupils which were like the setting sun and as cold as ice were now hidden by her eyelids. Her smooth white skin, which he hadn’t seen in a long time, had lost colour and looked pale. Just like the soldier had said, it really seemed like she was lost in an abyss and wouldn't return, even though a month had passed since she had returned from Jugfena.
Floating in a daze, Radka entered Eliza’s room after he returned from the barracks.
(Are you really still asleep…?)
Both her eyelids and cheeks were sunk in, and his body shivered in fear at the lifeless body. Her physical wounds weren’t that noticeable, and it didn’t seem serious enough to not cause her to wake up.
She had lost her personal servant, Kamil, at Jugfena, and the wounds in her heart might be worse. She should be alive, but she looked as if she was dead. Or perhaps, she had lost her heart and would remain asleep forever. ――― Just like Radka’s mother, shortly before her death.
Radka moved closer to the bed and looked down on Eliza. The last time he had seen her face this close was before he entered the barracks.
The vase full of flowers by her side even looked like those that were used when mourning for the dead. Radka squeezed his right hand tightly, and finally realised that he was clutching onto something. He looked down and saw the dull light reflect off the cold knife.
(Ah, I…)
His head still felt numb. That combined with the head heat gave him a strange feeling of euphoria. There was no one by Eliza’s side right now, and Eliza, herself, wasn’t able to resist.
I’ll kill you, his own barking voice echoed in his mind.
She made him live in the barracks, then forced him back into the mansion, and made him learn a lot of things.
He learnt that not everything about a noble is evil, and that the young girl named Eliza accepted both her father’s sins and her own.
――― He learnt the fact that Eliza was trying to keep him alive.
There was a reason why there was a knife in Radka’s hand even after he learnt about her life, her resolve, and her thoughts.
(… She’s the reason why Igor-san and the other guys are dead. It’s because she took them all with her.)
The troops had to go to Jugfena because she accepted the refugees from the neighbouring kingdom. Didn’t Calvin-san say that it was Eliza-sama who was actively accepting refugees?
Even if she wasn’t arrogant like the nobles who he heard about in the past, and even if she didn’t treat the citizens badly, she had led her people to death. If he didn’t allow himself to think this way, then what the heck was he supposed to do with this heavy feeling that was boiling inside him because of the people who died?
(I’ll… kill…)
Radka sucked his breath. He slowly let his hatred rise and raised the hand that was clutching the knife as he did so.
If he killed her, then he would probably die too this time. There would be no one left to protect him. Now Radka was fully aware that this girl, someone younger than him, was the only person who was trying to keep him alive.
Death was scary to him. But the words that he had spat out at Eliza about killing her before weren’t a bluff.
His breath trembled. The pulsing sounds of his heart gradually began to hammer.
Various emotions and memories were flying around in his head at a tremendous rate. Even the hand that was holding the knife was trembling. He came here while puzzled, and raised a dangerous weapon, yet he was still puzzled.
When he thought about his mother’s face, what happened in Cyril Village, and about Igor and the others, the dark feeling immediately swelled up within him, but in the next second, the things that he had learnt here, and the faces of the fief soldiers suppressed that feeling.
“… Tsk!”
He held his trembling right hand with his equally trembling left hand.
It didn’t matter if he was puzzled. All he had to do was swing down with all his might a few times. Just by doing so, this kid will be dead by morning.
(I can’t forgive her… I mustn’t forgive her…!)
――― But no matter how much time passed, Radka couldn’t swing down the blade.
Both of his hands could only quiver.
He even forgot how to breathe, yet he was unable to lower the knife, so he continued to stare at the sleeping Eliza with his teary eyes. Radka even thought that this would continue forever.
Then he finally choked and remembered how to breathe. He managed to remind his throat, which had stopped moving on its own, how to breathe, and finally took fresh air into his lungs.
At that moment, he remembered Elize’s gentle smile. The image suddenly flashed into his mind and he was dazzled by the light.
(The smell of those flowers…)
Instantly, Radka’s entire body feebly collapsed to the floor like a doll that had lost its strings.
The knife rolled onto the floor with a light clang. His heart thud so loud that it hurt his ears. He wasn’t sad or hurting, but for some reason, tears gushed out from his eyes.
It was already too late for him to maintain the killing intent that was connected to his hatred.
“Damn… Dammit…!”
Unable to swing the fist that he had clutched in frustration at the floor, Radka reached out for Eliza. He clenched onto the collar of the smooth, high-quality pyjamas, which weren’t too high or too low, and pulled it up.
“Get up you… brute! You haven’t made any amends to the villagers yet…! You…!”
Radka’s tears dripped down to Eliza’s cheeks, wetting them.
She didn’t make any expression, and her eyelids, which were tightly shut, looked artificial, and the tears repelled off her cheeks like she was inorganic.
“Wake up, wake up! I can’t even beat you up if you’re asleep…!”
Radka couldn’t scream or shake her as hard as he could. He couldn’t do anything to his satisfaction and could only cry at her like he was throwing a tantrum.
He couldn’t even shake her because of his helplessness and emptiness. Radka powerlessly plopped down on the edge of the bed and stopped himself from crying desperately.
His anxiety about the future, his feelings that kept growing without being sorted, the loneliness he felt that made him unable to relax his guard. Everything reached its breaking point and erupted at once as an outlet for his anger and resentment towards Eliza.
Radka was still a young child who hadn’t even lived for ten years. He was an emotionally undeveloped child who had been sheltered at home by his mentally ill mother and grew up with a distorted viewpoint.
He was much more of a child than Eliza.
He had a lot of depression pent up but didn’t know how to get rid of it; he didn’t even know how to let it out on something.
Therefore, he couldn’t do anything but cry like a baby until he was tired and fell asleep.
Eliza’s Perspective
I gently reached out to that painful sob which was becoming weaker and weaker in my dim and hazy consciousness ―――
――― “How long are you going to sleep for?” I felt as if someone was trying to wake me up and forced my heavy eyelids open.
My sleepy, lethargic brain could only recognise a muffled cry of the young child from right beside me. Who’s crying? The children of the citizens, or the children of the Sill Tribe who got caught up in the war?
It was dark with only unreliable moonlight shining in.
My fingertips had half-unconsciously stretched out to pat soft hair in comfort. That soft, black hair suddenly woke her consciousness.
“Ra… dka?”
The child, who was clinging to the edge of the bed, and had fallen asleep from tears and exhaustion, was Radka; someone who felt resentment and murderous intent towards me. I was dumbfounded for a while, wondering why he was here, then I suddenly shifted my gaze and noticed a silver knife on the floor beside Radka.
(… Ah, I see. He… came here to kill me?)
Convinced that was the reason, I let out a sigh of relief. Relief that a child who wanted to kill her had come there to kill her. Was it ironic or am I a masochist? The edges of my mouth twisted up. It was a mystery why he seemed to have given up in the end, and I have no idea why he was crying here.
(At any rate, I can’t just let him sleep here. I’ll have Rashiok carry him out.)
Thinking that, I got up. ――― Or, I tried to. But I couldn’t put any strength into my body, and, on the contrary, a dull pain ran through my body as if it was choking me. It was a short while after that.
Memories flooded into my mind as if it was breaking down.
The Sill Tribe who ran away. The silence at Jugfena Fortress. The Densel soldiers who came rushing in. The dead soldiers. Blazing fires. Gunpowder. Rashiok came to rescue her from up high ――― and Kamil.
She didn’t even know where she was or what she was doing. My lips trembled and my teeth clattered together, and an intense sensation overcame me as if all the organs in my stomach were being turned over.
“Uh, guu… gee…”
I vomited a few times, but nothing came out from the back of my throat. I just felt as if my stomach was bouncing around, and I couldn’t pay any attention to the pain in my body, just like a dying caterpillar.
“… Em, hmm? … Ah? Hey!”
The commotion had woken up Radka, and he quickly flipped me over so that I was lying on my side. I could finally breathe easier.
“… Ha, ha… uhh… urg…”
“W-wait! I’ll go call someone...!”
Grabbing Radka’s arm as he stood up was something I did almost unconsciously. But there was a knife on the floor. I’m sure his presence in this room in this dark house isn’t good for anyone to see.
“It’s… fine… so don’t go.”
I yelled weakly, and his face scowled in puzzlement. Then, he reached out timidly and began to slowly stroke my back. His touch reminded me of Kamil’s hand from some time ago, and my sobs mingled with my vomiting.
Kamil… Kamil! I let him die! Why, where am I now… what happened since then?! What happened to Kamil? The other soldiers who were cut down… What the hell have I been doing all this time?!
“Hey! Come on, breathe! Hey, I said breathe!”
A strange sound came out from the back of my throat. The area between the pit of my stomach convulsed and I forgot how to breathe. I was squirming while drowning in agony.
“Breathe, come on, breathe out slowly… and then inhale slowly… breathe properly.”
Radka continued to stroke my back and his voice sounded gentle and hesitant. I exhaled and inhaled gently while listening to his voice.
I recalled that Kamil had told me to breathe properly like this a while back. I didn’t vomit this time, but my throat felt heavy as if I had just swallowed lead.
Outside the window, it looked as if winter had just come and the landscape was colourless, and desolated. Leaning against the window post, I stared down and bit off the pain that seemed to reverberate throughout my body at the slightest movement.
When morning came, I learnt that I had been petrified for nearly a month. News of my recovery went around the mansion, and the adults had been coming in and out of my room in turns, but they were all gone now.
The trees, which I was staring down silently at, had already lost their leaves, and the ears of the wheat, which looked like a golden sea around the mansion, were long harvested. The scenery, which had turned into a dull brown colour, would soon be white with snow. I recalled the day when I walked through the snow with Kamil and Rashiok as if it was yesterday.
I sighed softly. It didn’t seem real that a year had already passed since then. It was as if I had left the months that had passed behind, in my long sleep.
“… Eliza-sama!”
A voice called out from behind me, and when I turned around, I saw a pale-faced Lady Hortensio had entered the room. “Why are you out of bed?” She said softly, yet in a scolding tone, and sent me back to bed. My body, which had remained motionless for a month, felt fatigued and sore from standing at the window for a few minutes.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Earl Thelesia…”
Earl Thelesia also came back into my room after Lady Hortensio. I answered his question with a loose shake of my head.
“It doesn’t seem like I feel that good. I’m not sure I can move very well.”
“I see. Then, how about talking?”
“Fortunately, I slept well, so my head is clear.”
I had said it with a bit of a self-deprecating tone, but the Earl didn’t seem to mind, and sat down on the chair which was next to my bed. He probably wanted me to do what I can do even if I hadn’t recovered perfectly yet.
Looking closely, I could see that the Earl had a dark expression of fatigue on his face, and it was clearly visible compared to the last time I had seen him. He had worked his old body really hard during the month that she was away and the month that she had been useless. On top of that, he had to do Kamil’s work since Kamil had been entrusted with the development site.
I sunk into bed while listening to Earl Thelesia tell me about what had happened in the battle at Jugfena Fortress.
“… They’re going to pretend it didn’t happen…?”
“At the very least, it means that we won’t be going to war with Densel.”
The defensive battle at Jugfena Fortress barely ended in victory, even though the enemy’s strategy had been successful, and they were at a disadvantage. However, that battle will not be included in the chronology of Arxia’s war history.
The Jugfena Fortress Defence Corps lost its heavy infantry and archers to the point where they couldn’t rebuild, and their Corps were destroyed. Moreover, the supreme commander of the fortress, Earl Einsbark, and one of his sons, Wiegraf, had suffered severe wounds, and the Kaldia army lost ten-odd soldiers. Overall, they had lost nearly 40% of their overall strength during that battle. Furthermore, the advancing troops were focused on destroying Arxia’s border defences, and had destroyed a significant portion of the fortress. The fortress and the castle walls were heavily damaged and had holes through them.
On the other hand, Arxia’s army did not allow the Densel soldiers to retreat and had destroyed them. The attackers numbered a thousand; 700 from the camp and 300 who had chased after the Sill Tribe. 700 were killed and more than 200 were taken prisoner. There was an enormous number of casualties.
However, Densel Dukedom had dismissed this as a private war between its own people, who had been sentenced to exile. They disposed of the property of those who had started the war and allocated a small amount for war reparations, and then executed all those who were related to the soldiers. The soldiers had been exiled, because they lost a political battle, and they were people who originally opposed the establishment of the Rindarl Union Dukedom.
During the interrogation of the prisoners, it became obvious that their motive for attacking was because they thought that the other three Dukedoms would stop the establishment of Rindarl if war were to break out between Arxia and Densel. One of the unsettling factors in establishing the Rindarl Union Dukedom, which was discussed earlier on, was Densel’s deterioration in relations with Arxia. Densel has been evading their investigations, but I was pretty sure this seemed like an incitement. In short, Arxia was forced to deal with those who opposed the establishment of Rindarl.
Naturally, even if this detailed information wasn’t spread far, dissatisfaction and resentment grew on Arxia’s side. Because the Densel Dukedom, who had suddenly launched an attack, appeared to have cut off their own people and labelled them as exiled.
Worst of all, the brunt of their attack was directed at Viscountess Kaldia and her guardian, Earl Thelesia, since they wanted to protect the Artolas refugees and Sill Tribe.
Considering the situation on Densel’s side, the attackers would have attacked Jugfena Fortress even if Kaldia hadn’t accepted the refugees, and the defences in Jufgena would have remained as it normally would, which would have caused more damage. But it was bad enough that the northern nobles loudly fanned the situation by stating that this one sided defensive battle was due to the fact that we had harboured traitors from the neighbouring kingdom, and the facts had come to be perceived as such.
“The House of Lords has noticed the movements within the kingdom and has decided to treat that attack as a private war and not an invasion from the Densel Dukedom. It pains me to say this, but I can’t think of a better way to appease those who have been incited by the northern nobles than for them to accept the loose change from the Densel Dukedom.”
“… I see.”
The Earl’s words were unusually filled with resentment. However, I felt so helpless that I couldn’t even feel angry now.
“The death toll from the Kaldia Army is seventeen, and, including you, two people were seriously injured. The others are lightly wounded. No one survived unscathed.”
“Seventeen…”
Seventeen people. They died, in that place.
Between it being a large number of people or a small number of people, it was probably a small number of people. It was almost a miracle that a small army of less than one hundred soldiers had only lost that many, even though it was everyone’s campaign and the attack had been sudden.
But that was in regard to the number. I wasn’t used to weighing people’s lives. I couldn’t get used to it.
Seventeen soldiers from the fief army were lost forever. It was so severe that I felt nauseous, and it felt like it was crushing down her throat.
“… Then what happened to the Sill Tribe and the Artolas refugees?”
I managed to move my shivering lips and prompted him to continue. Recalling the repulsive scene as I looked down on the castle walls, I scrunched up my brows in disgust. On top of the countless tents strung up inside the walls, were pe-pe-people who had fallen―――
Earl Thelesia was silent for a moment, and then he unusually expressed his emotions, “It was horrible.”
“There were only a few of them left. There are some things I’ve heard that have worried me about this. I’ll talk to you about it afterwards.”
He probably meant that it was pointless to tell me now. Clearly, I was also concerned about the massacre, which was proof that the enemy had been allowed to enter our lands, but the responsibility for this still lay with Jugfena Fortress. This was mostly unrelated to me.
“… Ah, also… It seems like one of our men has been reported as missing. You should read the report for further information.”
Earl Thelesia added at the end without hiding his hesitation about whether he should say it or not.
“――― Huh?”
I blurted out in a daze. I looked up to see the Earl loosely shaking his head, then he left the room without saying a word and went back to his office.
“Eliza-sama, if you’re done talking, then why don’t you take a rest… Eliza-sama?!”
Without hearing what Lady Hortensio had said, Eliza quickly rolled up her left sleeve with her trembling hand as if she was ripping it off.
“It’s not here…”
The tip of the sword that should have pierced through Kamil’s stomach and pierced my left arm.
There was no trace of that attack on her smooth and white left arm. ――― It was as if the conflict in Jugfena itself had never happened.
Ten days later, I was finally freed from Lady Hortensio’s surveillance. Nearly a month of sleep had sapped my muscles and strength, and I walked out of the mansion while being fed up with my body, that wouldn’t move like I want it to.
The person who I wanted to lend me a hand at times like this wasn’t here. I proceeded like I was crawling cautiously using Rashiok to support my side.
I walked up to the shore of the small pond at the end of the courtyard. On the other side of the pond was the poisonous leaves that had killed her family. They bathed under the sunlight and took up her entire vision. Small brightly coloured flowers surrounded the pond in summer, but now, it was half-way through autumn, and the bank was brown and green.
I walked around the pond along the shore. On the right side of the pond, which could be seen from the courtyard, there was a single tree whose shadow fell onto the water, and underneath that was a cobblestone pavement. The roots of the trees made the pavement uneven, and I sat my weary body down there. This pond was simply a reservoir and was barely tended to by the gardener. It was used as a garden before the Golden Hill Mansion was built, and the stone pavement was a remnant of those days.
I heard the sounds of the water lightly drip down, the wind rustling the leaves and grass, and the sound of my own heartbeat. The air caressing my skin was completely cold, but the warmth from Rashiok’s sprawled body beside me made me forget about the cold.
I sighed and turned my gaze to a certain spot. In the corner of her eyes, leaning against the base of the tree, was a polished stone that was no more than half of my height. It was a tombstone. There was no name carved on it and there were no bones buried underneath, but it was certainly a tombstone.
I brushed off the dust from the surface since it hadn’t been looked after for some time. I had never visited this place even once since Rashiok moved in and I started to spend time with Kamil. I hadn’t forgotten who this grave belonged to, but I admit that I visited less.
“――― It’s been a while. I’m sorry for not visiting in so long…”
I spoke to the owner of the grave in a whisper. Of course, there was no reply. The person who this grave belonged to was dead, so they can’t answer.
“… I lost someone important to me. I was so stupid.”
Still, I continued to talk to myself. I continued to talk while not caring that my fingertips were turning black and dirty from stroking the surface of the stone.
“His name is Kamil. Along with you, he’s important to me…”
The autumn breeze blew with a rustle. The sound was everywhere, but I thought it was quiet.
“I thought that if I trust people, then they would take my life someday, but I finally realised that I couldn’t live if I didn’t trust them… At least, I would rather die than to go through with this feeling again.”
What should I say? I didn’t know what to say next since I wasn’t thinking. I could do this because no one was listening to me. I lowered my eyes to escape from the glare of the sun.
“Thanks to that, I’ve been half-awake and remembering all the things I have forgotten. What’s the point of having those memories?!”
The words spilled out of my mouth without power. I was speaking in monotone like usual, but I was aware of the fact that my voice sounded emptier than normal, even without anyone telling me that.
I felt extremely bad for Rashiok who was literally shaking me awake. However, my inside still remained as empty as when I was asleep. It was as if my emotions and willpower were slipping out of the large hole that had been created with the loss of Kamil.
“… I fell asleep for a long time. I finally woke up when a child shook me awake. Elise. Giving him the same name as someone he hates… I said that I shouldn’t keep him by my side, but I let him remain close enough to kill me. I knew that there was nothing more foolish than that, but I didn’t know what to do.”
My voice changed to a groan.
Then I remembered when I saw Radka’s tear-stained face and eyes.
The black tea eyes, which looked pure red under the moonlight. Reflected in those eyes was confusion… and a young, unreliable face that revealed various emotions.
My one month of sleep was nothing but an escape. It was a fake, peaceful escape where I was waiting for the comfort of death with no pain, no guilt, no fear, no doubt towards others, and no feelings at all.
It made sense that the explosion of emotions caused by that child’s anger, anxiety, and helplessness dragged me out of there and made me see reality.
Comfort and encouragement didn’t reach the depths of my foggy coma, only his exploding anger had dragged me out from the vortex of suffering.
“… Right now, I’m in more pain than anything else because of my promise to you.”
I grasped my fist together so tight that the dirty fingernails dug into my skin. I took my eyes away from the grave and looked up at the sky without a second thought.
The blue sky was no different than it was when Kamil was by my side, or when the person in the tomb was alive.
“It’s painful to trust people or not trust them. I’m too weak to bear the loneliness. But the thought of being killed makes me drive people away… It’s like my mind is being split in two.”
I groaned at the memories that made me want to vomit blood and gritted my teeth.
The thin chain on my wrist clung together with my trembling arms. Feeling condemned by the sound, I relaxed my whole body. With a sigh, I let everything out.
“――― I thought I could live more comfortably since I was born into an otome game. How in the world did it end up like this?”
I muttered at my stubbornly vacant thoughts and threw my body onto Rashiok.
Rashiok listened to my dialogue from beginning to end, even though no one else heard it, and finally cried.