At first, I was told that I was the only one who could speak freely to Louis.
Back when we had only just begun serving at the palace, we were both barely out of diapers; naturally, the life was harsh. All the adults around us seemed like a wall of darkness.
I grew close to Louis. Magic and swordsmanship; even if our paths diverged, it didn't matter to me back then. Every lunch break, I would look for him as he ate his lunch in some quiet corner.
I thought I was the only one at Louis's side.
It was over five years ago when I realised I was wrong. I think I was about twelve. As I crossed the fountain plaza in search of Louis, I spotted him.
He was approaching me himself. Usually, I was the one who approached him. Is this some sort of trial? I wondered.
"Claire, good timing."
"W-what's the matter?"
"There's something I'd like to ask you."
I could tell that his stiff expression was him hiding his embarrassment. We've been together for years and I've been observing him for all those years, so I could tell that much.
But what could he be embarrassed about?
What kind of thing did he want to ask me about while looking embarrassed?
Puberty: the age when the height difference between the sexes becomes starkly apparent. I knew that the eyes watching him grow more radiant by the day had been turning improper. Even so, I must have been hopeful at this rare shyness from him since I was the only one who was special to him.
"There's something I want to buy, but I'm not quite confident going alone. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to come along."
"To... gether? Shopping?"
"Yes. I'm not forcing you to come though."
"I'm in!"
I nodded with everything I had. This was that thing I've heard about; the way for people to deepen their love.
He walked with a confident stride, yet he matched my pace. That annoyed me and made me feel embarrassed, so I tried walking faster on purpose but he easily kept up.
I felt as though I'd lost, but I was happy. Even a trifling exchange like this felt just right.
Once I'd become aware of it, things could no longer go on as usual. Amid the crowd, my wrist, which he'd grabbed at some point, felt unreasonably hot.
Our destination turned out to be a clothing shop. A popular one that stocked mostly women's wear.
I glanced at the clothes hanging on the walls. Then swept my eyes across the shop.
The quality of the garments themselves, the craftsmanship, and the wideness of the space had nothing that would appeal to nobles. But the offhand remarks from the shop attendants carried a softness particular to common folk. It must be a good shop.
"Ah, sorry. I was holding your hand as though you were a little sister."
"Oh, ah, little sister, right. Don't worry about it."
I was taken aback. I couldn't help feeling disappointed when he abruptly let go of my wrist. And the word little sister also made me feel cloudy and miserable.
He doesn't see me as a girl.
It felt as though I've just realised something that was obvious all along.
Looking at my own hand, I see multiple blood blisters along the side of my index finger and at the base of my fingers. My skin was rough too. The pride of being born into a knightly line was something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, so I shouldn't have any regrets, and yet...
Shaking off my shameful self, I made my voice bright and asked Louis for more detail. Even at this point, there was a part of me that refused to give up.
"I don't know much about women's clothes. Could you help me pick something out?"
"Sure, but who is it for?"
"... A member of my household."
Oh, a member of his household.
I hadn't heard of anyone apart from his younger sister, but perhaps a distant relative was visiting.
"What's she like?"
"Well, she's older than me. She's generally a calm person... I guess. She probably looks like she is. She's around eighteen to twenty years old."
"She's of age then."
"Yes, let's go with that."
"There are styles of clothing that most women can wear regardless of their build. Will anything of that sort do?"
"If possible, I'd prefer clothes with bold colours. That's just my own preference, though."
He generally believes that clothes just need to be presentable, so it was out of character for him to show even the slightest hint of preference for someone else's clothing.
--- Even though he didn't seem interested in the opposite sex.
I had a bad feeling. Although I was terrified of that nameless unease taking shape, I couldn't help wanting to confirm it. Staring at a shelf marked Size: F, I clenched my fists. There were only cute items in pale reds and faded blues; things I've never had the chance to wear.
I couldn't help but ask.
"You're only really concerned with whether your own clothes are wearable. I never thought you would be picky about someone else's clothes. Is this a special present or something?"
Just how foolish am I?
Going out of my way to inflict a fatal wound on myself like that.
"It's nothing as formal as a present. It's just she's the kind of person who would disappear into thin air if she isn't dressed in distinct colours."
I should have stopped there.
The only person he'd ever shown such a gentle and affectionate smile to was me. Even so, the person he had feelings for wasn't me.
"Ah, how about this one? Yes or no?"
He happily pointed to a piece of clothing that had caught his eye and asked for my opinion. He was imagining her and speaking to me for her sake.
I wish I'd stop getting my hopes up and getting carried away by myself.
Then I wouldn't have to face this ugly version of myself.
With the request form for the teleportation passes in hand, I headed to the Chief Sorcerer's private office.
I knocked on the door and immediately heard a reply, "Yes, come in". Upon entering, I found him on the sofa, comparing several documents against one another. His eyes were intently following the text.
"Is that the request form?"
"... Yes."
He hadn't so much as glanced my way, and yet he'd seemed to know it was me.
I'd asked him about this before, and he'd said, "I've heard your footsteps so many times. You used to call out to me from behind often, too."
My younger self had always chased after him, practically lunging at him to speak.
Footsteps. Things from long ago. He remembers trivial things like that. Perhaps because of that, in front of Louis, I sometimes forget the courtesy of announcing my entrance. Normally I would say a word or two.
He placed the signed documents on the table and looked up at me. I guess he wants me to hand him the request form.
While he checked it over, I sat down on the sofa across from him.
"The Rail River is, as I recall, a branch of the Keeno River... There aren't any teleportation magic circles placed along this stretch of it."
He pointed at the bookshelf and opened the map that had come floating over. I wanted to tell him he could have just gotten it himself, but the Institute isn't my domain, and common sense doesn't always apply here.
The map that had been drawn by an artisan had several blue dots marked on it. Perhaps they represented the teleportation magic circles.
The Rail River is a branch off the Keeno River, which also serves as the border with the western lands; it runs along the mountains eastward, gradually turning southward until it reaches the sea. The only blue dot closest to this river was located on a mountainside far from the planned campsite. That wouldn't be of any use in an emergency.
"It looks like we need to make a new one after all."
"So it seems. I'd like to borrow someone who can lay out the magic circle."
"I'll ask a couple people. There are troublesome people here who refuse to take the days off, so would you mind taking them along for a change of pace? We'll cover the expenses."
"But doesn't that mean they're too busy to take days off? We don't want to interfere with their work."
"That's true, but even I can't overlook four all-nighters in a row. When they're shuffling about with dark circles that deep, it's hard to tell which of us is the monster."
"Is it really that bad?"
"I wait for the right moment to secretly restrain them while they're walking in the corridor, and throw them into the napping room, or conjure magic circles at their feet to teleport them to the infirmary. But they still end up back in the lab... staring nonchalantly at their flasks and smirking to themselves. Honestly, those people..."
Louis's gaze drifted into the distance. He isn't the type to care deeply about his subordinates, but apparently he looks after them properly.
I've heard the Institute is an exhibition of eccentrics, but I wonder what sort of monsters are lurking here.
Collecting himself with a sigh, he looked down at me once more. Truth be told, I don't mind this difference in height between us.
"If I leave things as they are and one of them collapses, it'll be inconvenient. 'This is part of the job' is a good excuse to get them away from their research."
"But we are the ones asking the favour. If you're dispatching mages to us, we'll cover the costs. I give my word that they will be treated well."
"... I'll hand the passes to you all at once, but who will receive them?"
"Since they're for emergencies, they'd go to all forty-seven recruits, including me."
He only joked, "Please don't let them be misused," with a small laugh.
"As far as I'm concerned, as long as our people get some rest, I won't interfere. But pushing yourself too hard rarely leads to anything good. Take it easy."
"If you dismiss it as reckless, then you're already a loser."
"If you push on and accomplish nothing, isn't that just wasted time?"
"Even if you don't learn anything, it'd still be a worthwhile experience."
Louis is all about results, so we never see eye to eye. But because we're always mismatched and uneven, it feels good since it's as if he's making up for my shortcomings.
Before I left the room, he patted my head just once.
"Well then, once the passes are ready, I'll deliver them myself. Please wait for me."
And with that, he took his hand away.
The paperwork I'd filled out would no doubt be filed away in the drawer of his desk with bureaucratic efficiency.